poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Horse Racing [work in progress.]
For_Forsaken

Welcome to the dead horse race.
 1
Pick the right name,
 2
the right horse, and
 3
winner will take it all
 4
back to the time when
 5
horce racing was still fashionable,
 6
gambling still admirable.
 7
Through the fog of his
 8
memories, he can still
 9
smell the money in a win,
 10
and the stench of defeat,
 11
but fails to recall
 12
why he is here.
 13
 
 
He tries his luck,
 14
wins a fuck,
 15
and returns home
 16
with an empty
 17
 
 
pocket.
 18

This needs a new title, apparently, and help in developing the end.  This is uncompleted, but I'm not sure where to go from here.

17 Mar 07


(define the words in this poem)
(3 more poems by this author)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

let me look at your poem line by line. and then i'll give an overall feel to it.

"welcome to the dead horse race."
immediately you've created a scenario, and an interesting one at that. a good opening line will lead onto the next and engage readers. with regards to its relation to the title, i think the title needs to be changed, simply becasue i feel the first line is repeating what we already know, sort of. but i'll come onto the title later.

"winner takes it all"
this line feels a little empty. mainly becasue we don't know who you mean by winner. is i tht ehorse? are these horses the winners, or is it the jockey, or the small balding man, with his tie loosened around his neck, desperately clingling onto that small piece of paper which determins whethr or not he can have a few drinks? you see, i know who you talking about, but it isn't made clear. the second line just comes from nowhere after the first.

"back to the time when
horse racing was still fashionable"
i grouped these two lines together as they need each other. in relation to line 2, the winner takes the winnings back to this time. i am assuming he's lost in a nostalgic fog, still blinded by the pollution that this sport once was emitting. how does he feel when he is standing there? does he still feel like he's a 22 year old big shot, having a day at the races, instead of a middle ages drop out? i'm only asking these questions as they may give you a perspective of your own poem. look at it in the bigger picture, and then pick out the main details.

"gambling still admirable"
this line is a good line. it places the situation right where it needs to be. this line sums up what i was stating before, but i feel that the previous lines still need more to them, and then this line, this realisation would be more effective.

i feel there should be a break here. a stanza change. as the topic or situation changes.

"a man tries his luck,
buys a fuck"
these two lines possess a melancholy and they feel entwined with each other. the rhyme enforcing this. ultimately what this is saying to me, is by tempting luck, you are essentially selling yourself. the lines are empty, but they need to be i feel.

"and retuns home
with an empty

pocket."
i think the conclusion is fitting. the use of return, suggests that this is a regularity, which only heightens the feel and overall mood of the poem.

now for the poem as a whole:
i feel the beginning part of the poem needs more (lets call it the first stanza even though there is only 1). the stanza doesn't really say much, aside from the first line. and then it leaps into the second stanza with more force. this therefore creates the impression that the first one is simply descibing the scene. it needs the brutality of the second stanza. you give the impression that this man is doing something that is no longer admirable and put him in a situation. i think the situation itself needs more of a character. tell us where he is, descibe the scene. make the scene seem less admirable.

the second stanza i have nothing to add, because it places things exactly where they ened to be. although i think another word might fit in well, just to give it more of a flow. unless you are going for an abrupt ending.

i have no edits for the puctuation as you've nailed that.

you say it is incomplete. what do you feel is incomplete? the content, or do you feel there should be more development? or another stanza? as it is, all i suggest is an edit of the first part.

i also suggest getting rid of the header, as it means your poem is crying out for help. don't let it do that. your poem is growing. its natural.

as for the title, it fits perfectly. but. with the first line, i'm not sure how to approach that. because you mention it immediately. i don't know why, but that feels off to me. maybe i'm just being picky. still, thats not a problem, as the poem is what the title says.

all in all a good write. tell me what you want to change and i'll try and help out with it.
regards,
Eso
 — Esoteric

I made some changes, but I still don't know what to do with the title.  It still feels..wrong, though.  I don't know.

Thanks, eso, for the comment.

-FF
 — For_Forsaken

0.411s