| FOUR HUNDRED APPLE TREES |
chloee
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these plants have been watered,
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but sprout no daughter
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for me.
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those seeds must be dead,
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so instead, i fed four hundred apple trees
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and i mourned
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with Johnny Appleseed
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who said maybe he
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could grow inside me
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but as my hair caught
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the breeze,
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i knew i would always
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be lonely. i knew nothing
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could ever
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save me,
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so i
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s
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u
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n
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k
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into myself
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and then i melted
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in
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to
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ev-
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ery
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thing
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else
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15 Mar 07 |
Rated 8 (8) by 5 users.
Active (5): 7, 7, 8, 9, 10
Inactive (0):
(define the words in this poem)
(2 more poems by this author)
(4 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Add A Comment:
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Comments:
wow
— unknown
egad, the first stanza has some freaking awesome structure. However the word placement is cool, but I think the content is universal and good enough to just stay with straight lined stanzas, you don't need to distract with silly placing.
— SenorSin
Consider a more direct phrasing of L2 - "but sprout no daughter for me."
The first three lines are present tense but the next two are past tense. The transition is abrupt and detracts from the flow slightly.
In S3 again I see some mismatches. It seems like it should be "my hair caught" or L12 "I know I will always".
I like the original way you've expressed yourself. I think if you can fix the inconsistencies this will be a nice work.
Regards.
— rocket
Ahhh...abstract-ish, lovely, fluid: well written. The scattered words I don't really like, but then again, I'm a stickler for uniform. Ten to fifteen: some of the loveliest lines I have ever read.
— wendz
nice poem.
— varun
present/past tense mistakes are fixed :)
— chloee
I'm annoyed by capitalized titles.
I like your poem, but not the scattering.
I don't think it suits the sentiment, the smoothness of your voice ends up all over the place and the poem becomes slightly juvenile in my opinion.
Really great poem besides that.
Jen-
— jenakajoffer
When people fall, rain, melt, decend, die...they do it like this
fa
ll
ing.
They don't do it always, but often enough. It's completely unnecessary. Make this your late lenten vow that lasts for eternity rather than just 40 days... cut it out. 7/10
— Henry
i don't really think poetry has necesseties, but i appreciate that you read it..
— unknown
very sad.
— unknown
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