poetry critical

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FOUR HUNDRED APPLE TREES
chloee

these plants have been watered,
 1
but sprout no daughter
 2
for me.
 3
             those seeds must be dead,
 4
so instead, i fed four hundred apple trees
 5
 
 
and i mourned
 6
with Johnny Appleseed
 7
who said maybe he
 8
could grow inside me
 9
 
 
   but as my hair caught
 10
the breeze,
 11
i knew i would always
 12
be lonely. i knew nothing
 13
could ever
 14
save me,
 15
 
 
so  i
 16
 
 
s
 17
u
 18
n
 19
k
 20
 
 
into myself
 21
 
 
 
 
 
 
and then i melted
 22
in
 23
              to
 24
     ev-
 25
ery
 26
             thing
 27
    else
 28

15 Mar 07

Rated 8 (8) by 5 users.
Active (5): 7, 7, 8, 9, 10
Inactive (0):

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Comments:

wow
 — unknown

egad, the first stanza has some freaking awesome structure. However the word placement is cool, but I think the content is universal and good enough to just stay with straight lined stanzas, you don't need to distract with silly placing.
 — SenorSin

Consider a more direct phrasing of L2 - "but sprout no daughter for me."

The first three lines are present tense but the next two are past tense. The transition is abrupt and detracts from the flow slightly.

In S3 again I see some mismatches. It seems like it should be "my hair caught" or L12 "I know I will always".

I like the original way you've expressed yourself. I think if you can fix the inconsistencies this will be a nice work.

Regards.
 — rocket

Ahhh...abstract-ish, lovely, fluid: well written. The scattered words I don't really like, but then again, I'm a stickler for uniform. Ten to fifteen: some of the loveliest lines I have ever read.
 — wendz

nice poem.
 — varun

present/past tense mistakes are fixed :)
 — chloee

I'm annoyed by capitalized titles.  
I like your poem, but not the scattering.  
I don't think it suits the sentiment, the smoothness of your voice ends up all over the place and the poem becomes slightly juvenile in my opinion.
Really great poem besides that.
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

When people fall, rain, melt, decend, die...they do it like this
fa
ll
    ing.

They don't do it always, but often enough. It's completely unnecessary. Make this your late lenten vow that lasts for eternity rather than just 40 days... cut it out.  7/10
 — Henry

i don't really think poetry has necesseties, but i appreciate that you read it..
 — unknown

very sad.
 — unknown

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