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Cruelty
Muzatsu

I’ve had my days
 1
Of naughtiness
 2
At five I burned ants
 3
Alive.
 4
 
 
At nine I drowned
 5
All the lightning bugs
 6
In chlorine,
 7
And yes, it was obscene.
 8
 
 
Those bugs of mine
 9
I killed by accident
 10
And some because I could—
 11
but locusts were my favorite.
 12
 
 
In midair
 13
I’d clasp them
 14
and place them in a jar
 15
With grass and twigs.
 16
 
 
I had a favorite in particular:
 17
“Hoppy”
 18
I watched him molt
 19
And shed,
 20
 
 
Until he was huge
 21
(For a bug) and
 22
He raged against the lid
 23
Like a popping kernel.
 24
 
 
But then I went to Florida.
 25
And left him in my room,
 26
In the inescapable heat.
 27
I left him there.
 28
 
 
When I returned
 29
He was a husk
 30
There was no body
 31
Only a corpse.
 32
 
 
I cried like Chuckie Finster
 33
I tried to fetch him a
 34
Bottle cap of water
 35
it was no use.
 36
 
 
He was dead—
 37
I had caused it.
 38
And because I loved him
 39
His death was cruelty.
 40

14 Mar 07


(define the words in this poem)
(17 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

long.
 — unknown

le sigh
 — unknown

Your poem intrigues me, and I'll tell you why. Usually I prefer slender poems-- I like the slippery snake shape. But with this enjoyable narrative, I believe a boxier format would serve your poem well.

So I vote for longer lines
and a chunky, clunky shape.
 — banditfemme

The poem seems caught between pathos and humour
i want to have a chuckle and i want to feel your sadness as well
is that possible
The easiest way to shorten this poem is to get rid of the redundant lines
L38, we know that already
L30, 31 and 32 all say the same thing
L40 is the theme of the poem, do you need to restate it
I think you need to get the weeds out of the garden
thanks for the read
 — unknown

thank you, unknown commentor, for the the informative critique. I am not sure if I can put the alterations into a account just yet.
 — Muzatsu

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