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The hair that broke the camel's back. Yes, I know, the title sucks cliche. Please help!
unknown

Marriage; full of love,
 1
ample helpings of affection,
 2
security to top it all, yet
 3
bad habits strain the connection
 4
 
 
Knives in the fork drawer,
 5
spoons in the sink,
 6
Using a plate to butter bread on?
 7
Too time consuming for him.
 8
 
 
We decorated last week
 9
and you would not believe,
 10
the pile of junk dossing behind
 11
the computer for me to retrieve.
 12
 
 
And when it comes to hoovering,
 13
by now you must be able to guess,
 14
that it doesn't matter what's out of sight,
 15
if the floor in view is free from mess.
 16
 
 
I told him couples divorce for less,
 17
he laughs this down to a frustrated lie.
 18
I shake my head at this man of mine
 19
less amusedly as time goes by.
 20

13 Mar 07

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dominiuqe



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Comments:

The rhyming seems forced. Very forced.

The concept is, as I'm sure you know, rather cliché and sort of obvious. A bit of subtlety can breathe life into any concept, no matter how overdone.

A new perspective would also help, maybe?

The wording could be a lot stronger, try introducing some unusual diction to an old topic. Again, this will make it seem less forced.

Teo.
 — teo_omega11

well i like the title as it is. i like your use of puns, but i agree with teo and i think that the rhyming does seem forced. maybe try to slow down the pace of your poem?
 — x2jocelyn2x

Babe, the cliche is "The straw that broke the camel's back."

-FF
 — For_Forsaken

ha ha, thank you For_Forsaken.
Thankyou x2jocelyn2x for your comment and also to you teo_omega11. I apreciate your thoughts and value your opinion but I can't see how the rhyming is forced. The poem just came out like that. Can you give me an example perhaps of a rhyming poem that is not forced so I can understand what you mean.
teo, this poem was written on a whim after good natured arguing with my man, I don't agree that the topic is cliche as it's not like people write this type of poem all of the time. I know rhyming poetry is looked down upon for some reason nowadays but why?
 — unknown

I agree with you, unknown and I like your poem.
I'm just going to leave it read as it is, not offer any crits, for now.
 — unknown

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