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Basement Parking
JoelJosol

I drive a 1990 brown Toyota Liteace van,
 1
a diesel-powered turbo engine,
 2
veteran machine of many close encounters,
 3
scarred yet unrelenting in the road,
 4
gliding through ample spaces
 5
with the swiftness of a basketball player
 6
breaking through tough defenses,
 7
now seeking shelter in an empty lot
 8
 
 
away from the scorching heat of the sun,
 9
an inn for machines for a small fee,
 10
as it decends into the bowels of the earth
 11
like a search engine exploring
 12
all words, their spaces in between,
 13
manually navigating across a neat file
 14
of assorted automobiles,
 15
all quiet in their rows
 16
 
 
like students half-asleep in their seats
 17
in an early afternoon class,
 18
confident of finding its niche,
 19
just like this heart looking
 20
for a slot in yours.
 21

12 Mar 07

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Comments:

Hello-

I liked a lot of the feeling of this, but your choice to enjamb nearly every line didn't sit very well with me. At first, I thought you were going for a regular, strict meter that required it, but it doesn't scan as such to me. The enjambment of each line really takes away a lot of the emphasis that you could be using to add weight to lines. I think you could play with your line breaks quite a bit, just as an experiment and see how it highlights different aspects of the same words. In particular, I'd try different breaks in ll10-17.

In addition to that, I think you get a little overly word-y at times. I liked the detail of the first three lines, but then "proud body scars" threw me off and it didn't recover all that well. "Body" just isn't necessary there; obviously there can be other kinds of scars than physical, but that would be implied by the physical descriptions of the previous lines. A lot of small descriptive words throughout could be removed, to your benefit, I hope you'll take a look at what's vital to the poem and what isn't.

I think it's probably unintentional (I am often wrong), but the repeated rhymes of "-ace" in ll4-6 is really a distraction. As I say, it may not have intention and I would say anything at all if it was just the end rhyme of ll4-5, but following up with "grace" in l6 makes it seem like fairly awkward internal rhyme. Perhaps you could rethink that? And, just to mention, you do use the word "space" four separate times; is there any other word that you would think appropriate that wouldn't repeat itself so much?

Overall, I think it's a good start. Good luck with revisions.
 — dandy

Thanks. It's pretty raw at this point. I'll get back at this.
 — JoelJosol

OK. Here is the first revision.
 — JoelJosol

Revised the punctuations.
 — JoelJosol

I think it's a bit better. The line breaks are definitely smoother. Did you intend it all to be one big run on sentence? Breaking that up a little would be my only remaining suggestion.
 — dandy

Here's is the version in three stanzas. Changed some of the verb's form and punctuations.
 — JoelJosol

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