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Autumn is approaching

Autumn is approaching.
Can't you feel the breeze?
Johnny and Sally run wildly,
escaping into the trees.
They are as young as ever,
and pay no attention to one another.
But it will end soon and they
will be as old as the grandfathers
on the porch drinking gin, and their
women inside, complaining lovingly
of their drunken men.
Funny how it goes,
nobody acknowledges that time has
stopped for the approaching fall.
The diminishing leaves
are a silent observer
and it seems only a dog
is unable to notice how
beautifully the colors have changed.

11 Mar 07

Rated 9 (9) by 2 users.
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Hmmm. I like this very much. It's got simple grace, and is not nearly as melodramatic as I was expecting. It's very easy to go overboard on a subject like this one, and you were nicely restrained.

My only let down is the first stanza; it's necessary to counterbalace the ending and give context, but it's not nearly as graceful. I think the direct appeal to the reader/observer in l2 is awkward, the tone is not repeated again, so it seems strange. You could rework that one line, to great effect.

Also, I don't think it's really necessary for the pair to have proper names in l3. I'd almost prefer them to be vague, transitory figures, just like the poem itself. It may be only my preference, but I do hope you'll consider it.

And for my last suggestion, I think the "to one another" in l6 is really unnecessary. The line would be much cleaner and have more connection to the lack of acknowledgement in the last stanza if it was just "and pay no attention". Just another thought of mine, but I hope you'll think about it.

Otherwise, very well done. Thanks for sharing.
 — dandy

i found myself sitting on that porch.
nice poem.
 — varun

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