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take courage jump off
vida

No bird ever flew
 1
hopelessly waiting
 2
while its wings slowly grew
 3
and his patience debating
 4
 
 
hopelessly waiting
 5
with arms spread out
 6
and his patience debating
 7
almost bursting in a shout
 8
 
 
with arms spread out
 9
jump, jump off
 10
almost bursting in a shout
 11
will I make it, landing soft?
 12
 
 
jump, jump off
 13
take courage to let go
 14
will I make it, landing soft?
 15
yet much hope to grow
 16
 
 
take courage to let go
 17
no bird ever flew
 18
yet much hope to grow
 19
while its wings slowly grew
 20

10 Mar 07

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Comments:

With Spring around the corner, and baby birds learning to fly soon, very appropriate. I like the bird's perspective! Minor errors; L3 and 20: its (possessive) :-)
 — JustineCH

Hmm. I do think it's interesting that you use only five rhymes for the entire poem, but it does start to wear by the end. It's not so much that it's the same rhyme that gets boring, it's that you use the exact same phrases like ll1&3 and 18&20 or 2&4 and 5&8. It's a bit repetitious for a short poem.

I suppose I should ask if you feel the repetition of those lines adds anything to what is being expressed- does have the same line again really say a different thing?

I'm not really certain that "debating" is the appropriate word to use in l4&7. Debating with what? Himself? The man is debating the bird? With their fear? Patience? I think perhaps "abating" might work a bit better, but that's just a suggestion.

Someone else already mentioned the contraction/possessive in ll3&20, so I hope to see that change.

Overall, perhaps you could rethink some of the structure and repetition. Good luck, and thanks for sharing.
 — dandy

This form of poem is called pantoums, and it's suppose to repeat. It is a verse form composed of stanzas of four lines in which the second and fourth lines are repeated as the first and third lines in the following stanza. Often the first line becomes the last in the final stanza and the third line becomes the second.
It's my first one, I'll try to make it better thanks
 — vida

Fair enough. I kind of wondered if there was a particular pattern, but was a little too lazy this morning to find out.

The thing that remains for me, though, is that the form takes precedence over meaning in this case. It's a good thing to experiment with different structures, a very good thing, but I feel the form should reflect the content of the poem, not be constrained by it.

That said, definitely keep working at it. Trying new forms always leads to new expressions eventually.
 — dandy

Thanks I agree, oh and the debating part is simply the birds patience’s being tried by his slowly growing wings. When I say "his" l4&l7 I mean the bird's patience. Plus I want this poem to not be limited to the bird only but it should be applied to anyone who would like to place himself in it. It's about courage to do something new, to change for something better. Thanks
 — vida

I agree with Dandy here, I didn't care for the form of this poem but I like what you've written.
 — rocket

Well I'm glad you liked what the poem said b/c I can't think of what else would make a poem good besides what it says.
 — vida

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