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woven across my pillow

My heart aches in the middle of the night,
although I longed for rest throughout the day,
all quiet thought has long since flown away,
my hand grows flink and so begins to write,
of sunken love which now has gone astray.
A golden thread of thoughts for you I wove
across my pillow, counted grains of sand,
for moments when you'd long to take my hand,
and let me show you all the things I love,
the fruitful meadows of my sheltered land.
Yet now these grains the winds of time have blown
away from where my grassy meadows lie,
where we would sing beneath the starry sky,
against the silence now I sing alone
and feel my voice break as I slowly cry.

10 Mar 07

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comes at the right moment, for me.
i like..
 — photobooth

thanks for the comment photobooth, glad you could feel the poem!
 — sparrow

I don't think being any more cliche is possible. At least you didn't mention a dove...if you did, I might have to leave this site permenatly. And I know how sad that would make people. 7/10
 — Henry

well, I must say I find it a bit cliché as well... but I decided to post it anyway because I wove in some metaphors I quite liked.

I must say however, Henry, that a bit of constructive criticism would be more helpful.

and btw. complementing yourself is not exactly does not exactly make a good impression.
 — sparrow


you are the "Poet of the Week", so i shall leave it to you to tell me whether
you'd like an extra special, in-depth critique from l'il ol' moi.
if you are satisfied with your current result, that's fine.
 — unknown

constructive critique is always welcome.
 — sparrow

and this "poet of the week" joke is not necessary.
 — sparrow

it will take me many moments.
i shall return and attempt to constructively criticize your words.
first i must smoke and work.
 — unknown

Firstly—to punctuate, or not to punctuate…
I suggest not to punctuate, due to the fact that your structure is in disarray. Your entire poem is only 3 sentences. Far easier to just eschew punctuation.
If you don’t like that idea, then here are my suggestions to remedy:

S1 – L1,2 one sentence. L3 one sentence. L4,5 one sentence.
S2 – L6,7 across my pillow- one sentence. (I) counted…lose comma to end L7, replace comma with semicolon L9.
S3 – L12 replace comma with semi. L13 replace comma with period.

Nextly—the words. Your language is simple, but sporadically effective. L3 makes no sense to me. I was sure that we were together in a quiet space. L4 flink. I googled to find mostly Scandinavian references (in literal translation, that is). Whatever. L5 sunken love does not agree with my sensibilities at all. Overall S1 sets an acceptable scene. S2 is a tad messy. L6- uninvert by changing to “thoughts of you” (this will also unforce the rhyme).
L7,8 are you counting on behalf of the moments? “for” needs to be changed to something else (the, these, in, etc). L10 fruitful. Not a good descriptor for a meadow (a grassy expanse. I’d find a grove, or an orchard to be fruitful, but not a meadow). Also, this section, for some reason, switched to past tense?? L11 forced rhyme. Terribly obviously forced. Using an inversion, and also needing to employ “now”, are dead giveaways (been there, done that). L12 repetition of meadows detracts. L14- how, indeed, might one sing “against” the silence? Also, L14- the use of “now” creates another inversion/forced rhyme. L15 slowly cry. Not to my taste at all.  

Lastly- consistency. Not much of it here. We start in the middle of the night with an aching heart, move to a pillow, to grains of sand, to meadows, to the winds of time, back to meadows, silence and crying. In 3 sentences.

I’m sorry to be harsh. I did enjoy the sentiments you presented, and your grasp of meter is very fine. From a strict literary point of view, though, this needs a lot of work.  
 — unknown

Wow. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment in so much detail, I really appreciate it! I'll get right on to work, it may take some time to go over it all.
 — sparrow

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