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Give me your flowers.
varun

Dust rises, and my
 1
eyes flutter, moisten.
 2
I stand still
 3
for the moments
 4
of bleeding soles, balanced
 5
  on jagged edges
 6
of unpredictability;
 7
 
 
 
 
on this forest path
 8
shaded with pine,
 9
scattered with
 10
  bougainvillea,
 11
  falling autumn
 12
  and snow,
 13
I stop - cusp
 14
breeze
 15
weaves through
 16
re-arranging me.
 17
 
 
Foetal,
 18
I sink
 19
to the back of my mind,
 20
into familiar, intimate
 21
echoing silences
 22
  of reflection.
 23
Scents of seasons
 24
come wafting in.
 25
 
 
 
 
Give me your flower.
 26
I will curl up here
 27
  for centuries
 28
to unfold again
 29
into time with
 30
a mended soul;
 31
 
 
with the forgotten colours
 32
of pressed petals
 33
let me remember
 34
summers past.
 35

9 Mar 07

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fallentears



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Comments:

seems a bit convoluted with a jumble of disconnected ideas, snow falling, dust rising, autumn winter summers past, with bleeding soles while curled up in your mind.

and i really think you could reconsider 'dishevelling my hair'

the last stanza could stand alone
 — unknown

Well... Varun, it's honestly agonizing for me to be less than positive for you, but this could be a lot better. I agree with the unknown about the tumble of ideas; that style can be fantastic when it all comes together to make a kaleidoscopic image. In this, I think it just creates disharmony.

I'm sorry to not be more specific; to be honest, I think a big part of the problem is that a lot of the imagery that you use well in other poems begins to border on melodrama here. The bleeding feet, the forest, memory, retreating to one's mind. If you could tone them down, perhaps?

I'll get back to this. I want to give more concrete thoughts.
 — dandy

thanks, both.

dandy, looking forward.
 — varun

Okay, I said I'd come back to this, and I really wanted to have something constructive to say, so here goes:

I like this better reading it over a few more times. I actually think the imagery could hold up, scattered as it is, but at the moment, a lot of little things are bothering me too much. What I mean by that is, it's got the essence of a good poem, but has a lot of little flaws that are holding it back. It's not they're all intentional (although I think some are), but here's some:

l2 the internal rhyme of "lined" and "pines" is really throwing me. If it wasn't in the opening couple of lines, I'd just let it go as unintentional, but since it's setting the mark for the rest, it comes off as a little off. Perhaps "edged"?

l3 "bougainvilla" seems to be to be a direct detail, like something that actually is a memory, so  I can't fault that. However, the length of the word makes the line look over long. Would you consider breaking it there?

l6, something of the same thing; I don't think the enjambment really helps there. I'd prefer a brief, dramatic pause before the introduction of the breeze, but perhaps that's just me.

l13, again perhaps a break to add emphasis to the "jagged edges"

l15 "foetal" has really been bothering me every reading. It's such a clinical, cold kind of word. It clashes with the rest of the language and imagery, and that sort of vocabulary isn't used again... I think it could be deleted, to your benefit.

I think the last stanza is the best, really. I agree with the unknown that said it could stand on its own; of course, it easily works as an ending.

Sorry I'm a bit strident with the above suggestions, I hope they do not displease. I'll keep looking at this too see what changes occur. I hope all's well. Thanks.
 — dandy

thank you for the critique dandy. thanks for taking the time.
edit is on its way.
 — varun

a few changes.
foetal, i've kept for now.
 — varun

Much, much better! Funny how relatively minor changes can make such a large overall difference. The first stanza reads smoother; in particular, I like "shaded" for the replacement.

I do think the second stanza is causing some problems. For one thing, I don't feel like it's adding much to the poem as it is, just kind of taking up space. I don't often recommend big deletions, but I think that whole stanza could be taken out. Just an opinion, of course.

Thanks for be willing about this one. Good work.
 — dandy

i'll think some more, dandy.
thanks.
 — varun

i think i agree with dandy on the second stanza, v.
you'd have a good assonance and follow-through
if you simply flowed from:

"re-arranging me" to "foetal,/I sink".

um. lines seven and eight are nice,
but i keep wanting to see some kind of punctuation
after cusp. because i thought it was a verb, not an adjective.

i guess it's the alternation of the lines.
i'd be okay with: " - cusp/breeze"

but " - cusp/breeze/weaves" is one too many, ya know?
i feel like you might be overtaxing the breeze. ;)

maybe get rid of line 29?
i dunno what about it though. gut reflex.
but you'd know better than i.

last stanza is perfect. so is the first one aside from my previously stated nit.

v, i feel like you're getting past the point where i can usefully critique your
writing. :0

lovely.
midare
 — midare

hi midare,
thanks, as always.

cusp- it was my intention to portray the wind at the time of season's change...
also, into time- was meant as 'being frozen' before unfolding into it, to be subject to change again?
i guess these two aren't working too well... what do you think?

anymore thoughts?
 — varun

I'm caught in the scent of the season. Your words take me away! I'll gladly give you bouquets of flowers if I could curl up with you and rise with a mended soul. That would be heavenly.
 — fallentears

thanks fallentears.
i notice you are new here. hello.

26-35 could be formatted better, i feel. i'm still playing...
 — varun

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