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rain floods all roads
washes away our history
traces of trails turning
twisting tormenting
no destinations left
all lost men
rain disturbs our rest
buried to the neck
sand sliding slipping
sinking slowing
no movement left
all lost men
rain keeps us home
trapped in sullen days
weighing whiling wanting
waiting watching
no time left
all lost men
we only live
as much as
we are able

8 Mar 07

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You have only phrases, no complete lines until the end.  Line 15 - whiling?  

Hard to relate to this as I love the rain.
 — Isabelle5

Hello Isabelle-

Yes, I have no complete lines until the end, if you're going strictly by grammar. However, while writing this, I was not going for grammatical accuracy but more for expression and sound.

And yes, whiling. As in, to while away time.

The rain doesn't have to be taken literally.
 — dandy

hi dandy. despite not being an epic like your other poems, but you have filled it with imagery.

you've not aimed at being grammatical, so i'm not going to mention that, or anything to do with it.

i'm the counter of what you have said with the rain. i feel the same, as in it washes away our history, although i don't see the turns and twists as tormenting, i find them refreshing. a tangent is so much more worthwhile than running parralel. although, obvioulsy, i won't be ignorant to interpretation.

i liked the final stanza. all in all, i don't think i would change anything. you've captured an image here that you see through your eyes and for that reason alone, you've done it wonderfully.

 — Esoteric

Thanks, Eso. Yeah, not epic... but I'm working on that one, as you know.

I don't necessarily say that the words in the poem are my personal feelings or beliefs, of course; or perhaps only transient beliefs.

Tangents? Parallels? Maybe.
 — dandy

 — dandy

typical Dandy
 — unknown


Nice poem. The fragments seemed like individual squalls of rain. I like that effect.

I didn't care for the last stanza as italicized. I don't see how that necessarily adds to the poem.

I also didn't care for all the gerunds. Mm. It may just be personal, but I think the poem would be -- stronger? -- if 'falling' was 'falls,' for instance, 'turning' was 'turns' etc.

I will come back to this.
 — Rixes

Hi Rixes-

I think you're right about the italics, I'll take those out. I'll have to think a bit more on the gerund, but will probably give it a try to see how it looks.

I hope you do come back to this, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks, as always.
 — dandy

 — dandy

That's Wile away, not while away!  hahaha  No wonder I didn't get it.
 — Isabelle5

Actually, Isabelle, it's both. It's nice when two people are both right, isn't it? :)
 — dandy

It would be but i find it hard to believe while and wile mean the same thing, but it's your poem, your words, dandy.  
 — Isabelle5

A very quick google search:

http://www.answers.com /while&r=67

or if you prefer:

http://dict ionary.reference.com/browse/while

Look under the verb definition of "while". In addition:

http://www.answers.com/wile< /a>

It's not so much a matter of belief. They're both modern variations on the same Old English root word.
 — dandy

An interesting place to visit, but I’d not want to stay for long in the place you must’ve been when you wrote this.

This is a good example of the lack of punctuation’s being used as an effective tool, rather than out of ignorance and/or affectation.  In this case, the reader is given the sensation of being lost in the author’s words, which is very appropriate considering the subject matter.

I’m sure that the rain has been used as a metaphor many, many times in poetry, but I don’t find this to be at all stale.

The relentless (important word, that) alliteration is also a very important and useful tool in this poem.  I feel the need to point that out because I’ve been (wrongly) criticized for using it in much the same way.  Anyway, the sum of its parts—no punctuation, extended alliterations, and all of the gerunds—leaves me felling disconcerted, which I’m guessing was your intention.

I also appreciate the summation in the last three lines.  
 — wily

Thank you, Wily. I appreciate your words, you're too kind to such a one as myself.

I was a bit unsure of the last three lines, to be honest; I almost thought they were too gnomic, but couldn't resist.
 — dandy