poetry critical

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O' Perfect Design

unfinished, just looking for some encouragement

I space my words with loving conviction
While blaming my past with no dictation
To where my life figures love
into equations I ignored when young
My teachers yelled to faintly remind
that work held importance over what held my eyes
Black haired ice cream melting sunshine rise
fixed on you, O' Perfect Design.

8 Mar 07

(define the words in this poem)

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Better to work within a theme than use lots of different image. You skip from moonlight (beware cliche) to moving gods (groan) to the classroom. S2 is strongest, I'd advise dropping S1 and building on what's left.

A bit awkward, but it has some potential.
 — rocket

i don't know what
ragment is...
but consider yourself
well done
 — chuckles

shhh, I haven't the slightest clue to what your talking about.
 — unknown