| Asleep Somewhere on Thirteenth and Elm |
the_recluse
|
|
you can’t speak to the night,
|
1 |
|
though it speaks to you,
|
2 |
|
in the sound of Bessie Smith
|
3 |
|
singing blues, her voice
|
4 |
|
mingling with the static
|
5 |
|
of a half-tuned radio.
|
6 |
|
|
|
|
and you can’t be heard
|
7 |
|
above the slowness of water
|
8 |
|
trickling endlessly down the gutter
|
9 |
|
and flirting with car tires
|
10 |
|
on sundry streets.
|
11 |
|
|
|
|
'cause no, the night will not try
|
12 |
|
to speak to you
|
13 |
|
above the sound of
|
14 |
|
a phantom lover’s voice,
|
15 |
|
ghostly murmurs of smoke and honey,
|
16 |
|
whispering intangibles
|
17 |
|
that linger like perfume.
|
18 |
|
7 Mar 07 |
Rated 8.5 (8.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 8, 9
Inactive (0):
(define the words in this poem)
(12 more poems by this author)
(1 user considers this poem a favorite)
|
Add A Comment:
|
Comments:
Another good one from you. Just a few nits:
l7 - I would prefer one or the other and take out the parenthesis.
l11 - not sure about (sundry) streets though I can't think of another alliterative word other than several and that just kills it.
l16 - I would lose 'dripping'. It's not necessary, and used with honey becomes too cliche.
Just personal nits...I do like this a lot.
S
— unknown
Thanks for your comment. I made some changes in lines seven, twelve, sixteen, and seventeen.
— the_recluse
I like this a lot. Line 7 - begin with and? Are you sure that's the best thing?
This is a case where smallness fits the mood of the poem.
— Isabelle5
Isabelle - Thanks for reading this. I'll think about changing up line seven. It bothers me too.
— the_recluse
|
|
Recently Commented (expand)
|