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Asleep Somewhere on Thirteenth and Elm
the_recluse

you can’t speak to the night,
 1
though it speaks to you,
 2
in the sound of Bessie Smith
 3
singing blues, her voice
 4
mingling with the static
 5
of a half-tuned radio.
 6
 
 
and you can’t be heard
 7
above the slowness of water
 8
trickling endlessly down the gutter
 9
and flirting with car tires
 10
on sundry streets.
 11
 
 
'cause no, the night will not try
 12
to speak to you
 13
above the sound of
 14
a phantom lover’s voice,
 15
ghostly murmurs of smoke and honey,
 16
whispering intangibles
 17
that linger like perfume.
 18

7 Mar 07

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Comments:

Another good one from you. Just a few nits:
l7 - I would prefer one or the other and take out the parenthesis.
l11 - not sure about (sundry) streets though I can't think of another alliterative word other than several and that just kills it.
l16 - I would lose 'dripping'. It's not necessary, and used with honey becomes too cliche.

Just personal nits...I do like this a lot.

S
 — unknown

Thanks for your comment. I made some changes in lines seven, twelve, sixteen, and seventeen.
 — the_recluse

I like this a lot.  Line 7 - begin with and?  Are you sure that's the best thing?

This is a case where smallness fits the mood of the poem.  
 — Isabelle5

Isabelle - Thanks for reading this. I'll think about changing up line seven. It bothers me too.
 — the_recluse

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