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Water, Tasting of Copper and Tears
Isabelle5

I waited much too long;
 1
when the poet died,
 2
he took the songs
 3
I meant to write -
 4
I had believed
 5
in ever-lasting.
 6
 
 
He waited, too;
 7
my name
 8
got tangled  
 9
on his
 10
blushing
 11
tongue.
 12
 
 
He died of quiet,
 13
in a way
 14
no doctor
 15
could have cured.
 16
 
 
I wept only a little,
 17
wiping down
 18
cabinets of cinders,
 19
fountains of ash,
 20
where carefully tossed
 21
laughter caught
 22
the sunlight,
 23
like pennies
 24
flashing in the water.
 25
 
 
We drown,
 26
waiting for
 27
our wishes
 28
to become.
 29

7 Mar 07

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Comments:

this ones a keeper
 — unknown

nice poem.

'the' in line 23, isn't needed. even the comma after 'sunlight'...
 — varun

'the' in line 25, don't need it...
 — varun

wellthen
verysentimentally
please consider:

L2- he took the songs
L5- into his ear  (that is the way it read to me. if you choose to remedy this, it could be done by adding "with him" after took.)

S2  the longing for my name tangled on his blushing tongue (sorry, but this is just a mess. tangled just sounds ugly, and doesn't make a lot of sense. blushing tongue???? c'mon... tongues are pink/red already. please don't try so hard, or maybe, try a little harder?)

L13-16 he died of quiet, in a way no doctor could have cured (this is fine, but "in a way" seems strange to me. as though the doctor could not cure this "way" thing?)

17-25  nice little moment there, except for pennies. of all the coins i'm familiar with, pennies have to be the LEAST apt to catch sunlight and "flash".

26-29  nice sentiment

au revoir muchacho
 — chuckles

Lovely.  Wonderful, natural voice, and a light touch with emotion that could have become hysterical in lesser hands.

My only suggestion might be to look for a verb other than "sing" in line 3, it follows "song" too quickly.  Search your imagination, I'm sure you can find the perfect word in a heartbeat.

Good work, thanks,
 — mikkirat

Mikki, I made some changes that I think better portray what I was thinking when I wrote this.  Thanks for the suggestions.  imc
 — Isabelle5

dear Isabelle5

this poem was by "unknown" when i commented before. i like to comment on poems by unknown because (among other reasons) i feel i can be more honest
in what i have to say.

please know that i'm not "critique-harassing" you...

i like the edits you've made
so
far
 — chuckles

Checkles, that's why I had posted as Unknown.  I know that sometimes people go 'gunning' for those who have strong opinions about how to write.

Thanks for the suggestions, still considering.  I do think I need 'the' in both places, to definitely define sunlight and water, specific sunlight and specific water.

I love pennies in fountains.  I always see them shining in the sun, too, so perhaps you need to go out in the daylight or maybe I just happen to notice pennies more because they are very special to me for personal reasons.

Imc
 — Isabelle5

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