poetry critical

online poetry workshop



City Lights
RHS6

Let the city lights guide you along
 1
Follow the pounding beat of the song
 2
The thumping heart
 3
The pumping fist
 4
The everlasting taste of his lips
 5
Think about what will happen in the moments to come
 6
Wonder what will happen when it is all done
 7
Live in the moment is what they say
 8
For it is foolish to waste the night away
 9

5 Mar 07

Rated 5 (5) by 4 users.
Active (4): 1, 4, 6, 9
Inactive (0):

(define the words in this poem)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

Petula Clark did this so much better back in the sixties, honey.

Anyway, your words rhyme.  Not that they are good words, but they do rhyme.
 — unknown

That's a really stupid comment above, but in the end I have to agree. Your punctuation doesn't really make sense, except to give the poem a more lyrical quality, but it definately creates a sing-songy asthetic, which most likely isn't want you were going for, since that is usually reserved for satire. There really just is no original substance to this, basically.
 — Notecompsure

Oh kay, you're new here, so I thought I would try to give some advice.
1.) There is this common misconception about poetry: every line has to start with a capital.  Neoidea: IT DOESN'T.  Often it distracts from the poem.  I believe this is a good example of such.
2.) Your punctuation is off. L1 should end in a semicolon.  L4 should end in a comma. L6 should really either be a semicolon or a period, I believe, but a comma is sufficient.  In L8, "Live in the moment" should be in quotes with a comma after moment. L9 should be in quotes.  I'm not sure, but I think everlasting should be ever-lasting.  But I could plausibly be wrong.
3.) A second misconception: poetry has to rhyme.  Neoidea: IT DOESN'T.  Rhyming is great if you don't have to force it, and if that certain literary device adds to the poem.  If you want structure and "poetic" qualities. Try branching out into rythym and metere, or internal rhyme.  
More about the poem itself, you contradict yourself in L6, 7/ L8,9.  In L6 and 7 you say to think about what is going to happen in the future, what is going to come, and then in L8 and 9 you talk about living in the moment, which means you're not worrying about the future.  Choose a side, commit yourself to it, and express that opinion without confusion.
I really don't know where this poem is going.  It seems like you have a shaky foundation, so the delivery comes off as poor.
You're telling to much, and showing too little.  Us poets like to read imagry.  It paints a picture in our minds.  The first four lines do that well, but you lose it after that.
You also might reconsider your title.  That could just be me, though.  I don't like to give the poem away in a title, just draw people in.
Anyhow, I hope that helps.

Best of luck to you in this wonderful world we call PC.

-FF
 — For_Forsaken

A nice little poem. I didn't know what to think when I first read it so I read the comments while thinking about what to say. I agree with all of the comments. The poem lacks depth, but hey, that is what this site is for, a workshop to improve your poetry.
 — Fallen

Seems more like a song to me, would work set to music. You played it very safe, and it comes across as a little bit sing-songy but it's okay, and better than lots of trash on this site so there you go.
 — themorrigan

Sounds like a pop song.  It does not have anything exciting or new in it, though. Can you snap it up a little?  Poems don't have to rhyme, you know that, right?

Welcome!
 — Isabelle5

like i said in the beginning Petula Clark - sang it better way back there in the 60's
 — unknown

this poem is amazing, I actually want to fuck  you
you're so good
comeover? thanks
 — unknown

Beautiful. I cried at the end of this. I'm rather emotional lately. All those hormone pills.
 — Ajambo

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