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All I Want Is You
opal

You were my grand passion
 1
peacock man, parading in sequins
 2
and plumes, painted silver eyelids,
 3
hair dyed raven's wing black.
 4
There was no other like you -
 5
only dull, steady birds: thrushes,
 6
grouse or starlings, inadequate
 7
substitutes, but a bird of paradise
 8
in my neck of the woods was well nigh
 9
impossible to find, so I made do.
 10
I even thought one lucky kiss
 11
might transform a sparrow
 12
and closing my eyes could make wishes
 13
come true. It's taken all this time
 14
to realise you can't raise a phoenix
 15
from some bent seagull feathers,
 16
a few tarnished baubles, and a pot of glue.
 17

5 Mar 07

Rated 8.7 (8.7) by 3 users.
Active (3): 8, 9, 9
Inactive (0):

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Comments:

I love this. Would make a good song...don't have much to say other than this, except L6's double punctuation : -     I think you could pick one and still ahve the same effect.
 — gem_grrrl

definitely over-punctuation gem, so I toned it down a bit. A band is currently looking at setting this to music at the moment, so I'll post a link to myspace if they do it - you sound psychic - what colour is my living room?
 — opal

viscous cum colored?  
 — unknown

blue
no pink
cream
lilac
I give up
 — unknown

The last sentence is captivating -precise imagery speckled with a hint of realism.
The title ruins it for me though, have any other ideas?

Maybe something more like "A Bird Like You"? "But a Bird"?

Line 5 is also hard to swallow in comparison to how well written the rest is.
 — jezkuh

this would be a good song.....its a very good poem!!!!!!
 — juggalette69

The title had me expecting to be disappointed, but I was not.

Are you using peacock man like a name?  I prefer to think so, but if you are, consider a comma at the end of line 1.

My only real complaint is that the “you” in line 15 jumps out at me because of how the pronouns have been used thus far—“you” being the peacock man.  The nonspecific “one” or another “I” may serve better.

Fantastical work.
 — wily

Wow! I love this opal. Particularly lines 14-17 but that's partly because of the build up of the repeated end rhymes, together with the title, which make them resonate.

Lovely work.

smugzy
 — unknown

Can you give this some white space?  It's very crowded together and the fact that you make this 'run on' with a lot of commas is not helping.

My first impression was a Mardi Gras parade, the sequins and painted lids, etc.  I think that you don't need to list all the dull birds in 6-7 since you define 'dull, steady birds."  We can imagine what that means without specific names of birds.

You have used 9 bird names in this very small poem.  If you limit the comparison to one or two, this would be stronger because, by the end of it, I was only reading to see what other birds you used, I had lost sense of the subject of the poem.

The title does not seem to reflect the poem - one is in past tense, one in present.  Was that intentional?  
 — Isabelle5

Ah, a song!  Absolutely a song!  Read that way, this is much more interesting!
 — Isabelle5

Hi Isabelle,

The birds make an extended metaphor which are meant to indicate the subtext of the poem. :)
 — opal

I don't know who wrote this, so I'll rate it a 6.

Oh, dear! Opal! I'll change my rating to an 8.
 — unknown

The metaphor works opal. Very much so.
 — smugzy

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