| Cup of Decaf |
JoelJosol
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It was not
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1 |
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a welcome home parade,
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just the cold breeze blowing
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a confetti of light snow.
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I gave in to temptation,
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stepped out of the house
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shirtless
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and bare footed,
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exposed my heart
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to the falling snow,
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my skin
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to the cold wind.
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It was past midnight
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when I looked up
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and stood still:
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The cold powder
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covered my face, touched
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my shoulders,
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arms,
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and skin
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but the outdoor lamp
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struggled
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to warm my body,
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face,
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and hearts
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so unlike you-
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effortless,
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efficient.
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So, pull me up close,
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let me wear you tight
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like a heavy winter jacket,
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and fill your hands
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to an overflow
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of me
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while your hair
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brushes away the snow,
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warming me up inside
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like a cup
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of decaf.
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5 Mar 07 |
Rated 8.7 (8.7) by 5 users.
Active (5): 6, 8, 8, 10, 10
Inactive (0):
(define the words in this poem)
(14 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
Everything about this is wonderful. I like it very much.
— Isabelle5
this is awful. youre trying way too hard.
— unknown
Other than some tense disagreements, I would say that this is a beautiful slice of the sweetest poetry I've read today. Good job. :-)
— starr
Ma bad. I REread this and realized that it was the way I was reading it that wasn't right, so I changed my rating from a 9 to a 10. Thanks! Sorry!
— starr
Not bad, though I feel like the first and second stanza jerked me one way, then the other, a little bit.
Annnnnd, line 14, I believe "it's" is a contraction of "it is," when the rest of your piece is in past tense, until the last two stanzas, but I know nothing about grammar anyways.
You ended (or nearly ended) both the second and third stanzas with the word "skin." I didn't care for that repitition.
Third / fourth stanza. You talk about "cold powder" and then say BUT I was cold. Doesn't "but" sort of have to make it go in the opposite direction, not add on to the thing already being discussed.
Sorry my comments on this are so unclear.
— the_recluse
Thanks for your helpful feedback. I will fine tune this some more.
— JoelJosol
Recluse, thanks for your detailed feedback. I replaced the "it's" with "it was".
The cold powder is played against the lamplight. It is cold hence the play on the wamth from the lamplight.
— JoelJosol
I kind of understand what you meant now; it just wasn't that clear to me upon my first reading.
— the_recluse
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