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Cup of Decaf
JoelJosol

It was not
 1
a welcome home parade,
 2
just the cold breeze blowing
 3
a confetti of light snow.
 4
 
 
I gave in to temptation,
 5
stepped out of the house
 6
shirtless
 7
and bare footed,
 8
exposed my heart
 9
to the falling snow,
 10
my skin
 11
to the cold wind.
 12
 
 
It was past midnight
 13
when I looked up
 14
and stood still:
 15
 
 
The cold powder
 16
covered my face, touched
 17
my shoulders,
 18
arms,
 19
and skin
 20
 
 
but the outdoor lamp
 21
struggled
 22
to warm my body,
 23
face,
 24
and hearts
 25
so unlike you-
 26
effortless,
 27
efficient.
 28
 
 
So, pull me up close,
 29
let me wear you tight
 30
like a heavy winter jacket,
 31
and fill your hands
 32
to an overflow
 33
of me
 34
 
 
while your hair
 35
brushes away the snow,
 36
warming me up inside
 37
like a cup
 38
of decaf.
 39

5 Mar 07

Rated 8.7 (8.7) by 5 users.
Active (5): 6, 8, 8, 10, 10
Inactive (0):

(define the words in this poem)
(14 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

Everything about this is wonderful.  I like it very much.
 — Isabelle5

this is awful. youre trying way too hard.
 — unknown

Other than some tense disagreements, I would say that this is a beautiful slice of the sweetest poetry I've read today.  Good job.  :-)
 — starr

Ma bad.  I REread this and realized that it was the way I was reading it that wasn't right, so I changed my rating from a 9 to a 10.  Thanks!  Sorry!
 — starr

Not bad, though I feel like the first and second stanza jerked me one way, then the other, a little bit.

Annnnnd, line 14, I believe "it's" is a contraction of "it is," when the rest of your piece is in past tense, until the last two stanzas, but I know nothing about grammar anyways.

You ended (or nearly ended) both the second and third stanzas with the word "skin." I didn't care for that repitition.

Third / fourth stanza. You talk about "cold powder" and then say BUT I was cold. Doesn't "but" sort of have to make it go in the opposite direction, not add on to the thing already being discussed.

Sorry my comments on this are so unclear.
 — the_recluse

Thanks for your helpful feedback. I will fine tune this some more.
 — JoelJosol

Recluse, thanks for your detailed feedback. I replaced the "it's" with "it was".

The cold powder is played against the lamplight. It is cold hence the play on the wamth from the lamplight.
 — JoelJosol

I kind of understand what you meant now; it just wasn't that clear to me upon my first reading.
 — the_recluse

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