poetry critical : poem

my summer kitchen

topop

Dust lingers between slats of sun entering through exposed windows,	1
as smoothly I run a knife through basil still warm from the summer air –	2
its scent mingling with the dust.	3

Vibrant stains smatter the dishcloth -	4
as if an artist's palette along the Seine -	5
impressed with memories of late summer blackberries,	6
Welch's cranberry juice, lip stick, red wine.	7

we eat on the grass,	8
so that our toes can absorb the dewy blades,	9
and feel the sun trickle down our backs	10
as it sets.	11

4 Mar 07

Rated 8.3 (8.3) by 5 users.

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Comments:

I think S1 could flow better with some careful revision.

Consider closing with "and feel the setting sun trickle down our backs" for a stronger finish.
— rocket

"smoothly I run a knife" (line 2) feels really strange to me.

I love stanza two.

"so as our toes" (line 9) also feels realy awkward to me. I feel like it should be "so that our toes," but then again, I'm probably just ignorant and not getting whatever you meant to convey, or missing some structure or something. Don't listen to me.

But this was nice. Quite nice.
— the_recluse

ah, this takes me to summertime when I was a kid... no school, eating fresh fruit as the afternoon sun comes in through the kitchen windows, and then running around in the sprinkler with my sister.  thanks for writing.

The only critique I have is the title, which I don't think fully captures the essence of the poem.
— jerotich

another thing: I associate dew with the morning, not with sun set.
— jerotich

god damn it all.

god damn it all to hell.
— bologna

and next time. close the fucking door.

you slut.
— bologna

now now bologna, be a nice boy.
i know where you live.
tweet tweet.
— loonbag

sounds like a vagina monologue
— CheBourdain7

I would love line 3 to read: "mediterranean scent mingling wit the dust". just a suggestion, because it's an extension of the sensory basil without repeating the word.

I love love love everything else. 10.
— SteelAngel

with*, sorry.
— SteelAngel

My first wee problem is that S1 is a rough read for me.
The first line alone is very wordy and I don't enjoy the sound of it.  I can envision the same idea saying:
"dust lingers between slats of sun peeking through the windows".
"as smoothly I run a knife"? I don't understand the wording here.
I am not a fan of repeating the same words unless there is a definite point. (dust, summer).
What does the scent of basil mingled with dust smell like?  What does it remind you of?  Why is it important?
Would you consider replacing "late summer" with "late season"?
L7, lipstick.
I would typically associate dewy blades with morning but I also remember grass becoming damp during sunset.
Nice work so far, but I would like to see some elaboration on certain thoughts.
I like your scene.
Thanks,
Jen-
— jenakajoffer

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