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Outings with Rosie : Sidmouth
sisotowbel

Up a pebbled slant,
 1
irises see struggle, giggled.
 2
 
 
Facial, scattered stones,
 3
and constellations, kaleidoscopic.
 4
 
 
We spy, eye-bright,
 5
through the bonsai tunnel
 6
of an eons erosion,
 7
and being impartial
 8
to order in the barren,
 9
aim marrowless bones
 10
to a smooth churn
 11
in the cycle of a crest.
 12
 
 
Chaos is quiet there :
 13
We hear, in the space, an onomatopeia.
 14
Thud, plopping?
 15
Thop, thopping.
 16

2 Mar 07

Rated 9.3 (9.3) by 3 users.
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Comments:

lovely :) - and the ending made me smile - which is a major achievement  :))

absolutely love the line - 'Facial, scattered stones and constellations..' - delicate and powerful construction of imagery you made here

the way you describe the motion and body of the ocean at the shoreline is something i have be contemplating too - but you have done it so well :)

simply for lines 3 > 4 added to faves - a 10 for making me smile - and a thumbs up for the lines 5 to 12 -

wonderful stuff

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

Thanks mongrol!
Im glad someone enjoyed the poem as much as i enjoyed the moment.
Will.
 — sisotowbel

great - i love the ending. very inventive.
 — unknown

i like it lots
 — unknown

does anyone have a more eloquent critique for me?
 — sisotowbel

nope - there is no technical critique - nor eloquence beyond the words you've already phrased here

it has imagination and scripts the scene very well - the moment you are viewing this and the words tumbled into your head as you walked an sat close to the shoreline at night is quite vivid in itself
 — Mongrol

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