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Up in Smoke
lanezfairy

i feel bits of crushed pills with
 1
  the tip of my tounge,
 2
digging its way then to the back of my throat
 3
where tiny capsules have repelled and
 4
gagged
 5
teared:
 6
red eyes.
 7
scratching throat
 8
forget about it;
 9
digging out my mortar and pestle
 10
i'll screw myself in sacred ways
 11
  before they can pull out guns
 12
and force me to run in circles,
 13
well isn't that the meaning of self-preservation?
 14
beads of sweat, tears
 15
  and black mascara on my eyes
 16
and i realize
 17
beautiful epiphany
 18
fully equipped with seraphic, majestic
 19
  orchestras at their full forte:
 20
trumpets too,
 21
  that i no longer give a flying rat's ass
 22
what my hair looks like.
 23

1 Mar 07


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Comments:

There is so much I like about this poem: the opening lines engage the reader sensually, and I think most people would be forced to finish the poem on the strength of the opening lines.  Lines 11-13 (i'll screw myself in sacred ways/before they can pull out guns/and force me to run in circles) and 18-20 (beautiful epiphany/fully equipped with seraphic, majestic/orchestras at their full forte) are truly memorable.

While I like the poem overall, its weaknesses are grammatical.  Lines 8-9 (scratching throat/forget about it;) are really a sentence fragment in front of a semi-colon, and don't really add much to the poem.  13/14 would be a better place for a semi-colon, as 10-13 are a complete sentence, and line 14 is a question while 10-13 is a statement. 15/16 really needs a verb.

I don't know if such things are important to you, but they color my experience of a poem.  There is so much I like in this poem, I feel disappointed that the grammar makes it a difficult read, and really hope you consider cleaning it up a bit.  I've seen a lot of really good things in your other poems as well.

Thanks,
 — mikkirat

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