poetry critical

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sedated once again

Drop dead
in the bare-walled room of
the happy man.
I walked by to find you
chattering away
like a bride before a ceremony.
After all of the rituals we performed
in silence.
Now you are committed.
The cold hands that held you
were not mine.
So I burst forth
with my childrens rhymes
and innocent intentions
to convince you.
Everything is easier
when the hope is gone.

1 Mar 07

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I like this poem. i'd like it more if i understood it, even so, i'm pretty sure you don't need L18 or 19
 — unknown

This really is very, very good.

I'm not keen on lines 5 and 6 (I don't know why, it seems a little like a sore thumb)

But otherwise excellent
 — PollyReg

Thanks for the comments. 18 and 19 did have to go. I'm not sure about 5 and 6.
 — trafalgore

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