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Ecce Homo
the_recluse

I found you underneath the oaks,
 1
indentions in the grass from where you sat.
 2
I found you, splitting leaves from stems
 3
and reading Nietzsche.
 4
 
 
your dress was yellow, slipping off
 5
thin shoulders in the morning light.
 6
the softest breeze was teasing tresses,
 7
locks of sunstained hair.
 8
the birds were calling
 9
 
 
and the wind was flirting
 10
with the pages of your book;
 11
faded leaves just aching
 12
to escape like children’s kites,
 13
soaring higher than the tops of trees.
 14
 
 
I watched you, lips pursed and pollen
 15
speckling your skin. I watched you reading
 16
and you said
 17
 
 
great star, what would your happiness be
 18
had you not those for whom you shine?
 19
 
 
stood stock still and then I sat,
 20
legs crossed and picking
 21
browning blades of grass.
 22
your hair was mussed
 23
and you were smiling, lips dry and crackling
 24
like the pages you were reading.
 25

28 Feb 07

Rated 9 (9) by 4 users.
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Comments:

lovely observation - wonderfully woven scene and theme

lines 5 > 6 - simple beauty

the relationships you draw between the wind and the pages of the book and the facial expression of this vision

i'm not a fan of similies - though admittedly we cannot escape them always - but the one you have wedged in here works great

the 'speckling of pollen' image has made me stop and think and read this again and again - just beautiful

i have no real technical criticisms of this peice as to my eyes the formulation and structure works fine - i have no trouble feeling and following the outer and internal rhythms in this piece

a personal fave - added - given 10
 — Mongrol

Thank you for the kind words.
 — the_recluse

i do hope you realise recluse - i did not miss on the counterpoint and natural feminine structure of this poem you created in order to infuse Neitzche and the quote from him with so much power in the entire piece when it is spoken by 'her'

i did catch that indeed - and masterfully done i have to say

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

Thanks.
 — the_recluse

hmmm
nicelittlevignettepoem

WHAT I LIKED:
L7-11 (simple and wonderful)

WHAT I DIDN'T CARE FOR:
the rest

byebye
 — chuckles

Any ideas on how to improve "the rest" then?
 — the_recluse

Hello-

I've read this over several times, and I find myself a little conflicted. I feel like it's a bit word-y, a bit over done, but when I try to think of what could be removed or rephrased, I find myself stuck.

Specifically, though, I don't think you need to repeat "I found you" in l3. Likewise in ll15-17, the repetition of "I watched you" doesn't do a lot for th e poem. I realize you may be going for a sense of rhythm, but it comes off more as repetition. It's much more subtly used in the contrast between l15 & 24, perhaps because there's more distance between the two and it's not repeated so immediately.

So, my initial thought is to cut down on the repetition and perhaps rephrase those particular lines. I'll try to think about this more. It's got potential.

Thanks for sharing.

It's mostly little things like that that are dragging this down
 — dandy

i feel that your scene is off.
if this is a true account of your experience, then it is.
if not, then this is why i would readily believe it:

"underneath the oaks"..."indentions in the grass" (a gathering of oaks will generally not have a very thick growth of grass underneath. too much shade. too much traffic: wildlife partaking of the fruit, living among the roots,etc.)  

"pollen" (airborne pollen of the type you describe would likely be attributable to the oaks. pollen from most grasses is very,very minute, not likely to be visible. many plants throw off their pollen either in spring, or summer. not autumn. you seem to be describing autumn : L3,12,21 (21, btw, also supporting my first concern)

word choices i didn't care for:
"indentions" (is this really a word? perhaps you mean indentations? even that's not very nice-sounding)
L15 "pursed" L17 "you said" (maybe separating these lines would help to clarify that the person is not actually speaking with pursed lips?)
L24 "crackling" (lips that are crackling are probably too sore to be either pursed, or speaking. pages that are crackling are probably apt to be breaking apart)

that is all.
how to improve? i dunno...
 — chuckles

dandy, chuckles -

Thanks for the suggestions. I like your ideas, and I'll be workin' on them later tonight, when I get a chance.

Thanks,
Benjamin
 — the_recluse

I have no idea what Ecce Homo means but this is stunning, all the way through.
 — Isabelle5

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