poetry critical

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the ephemeral shifting of dust particles

she's standing there
at the edge of the room,
somewhere off in the dark expanses
of the solar system,
which receive little,
if any sunlight.
he's somewhere
in the middle, surrounded
by faces, who appear a lot more interested
in the warm air exchange of the moment.
he turns his head
in one gentle motion,
a rotation she slows
by the intense gravity
of her stare.
he returns her gaze
with blue eyes,
like water-rich atmospheres.
suddenly she finds herself
feeling a lot bigger
in this world,
where her footsteps are only noticeable
by the ephemeral shifting
of dust particles they cause.

28 Feb 07

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this is fabulous, intense imagery.. i like it a lot :)
 — unknown

title smells of sweaty scrotum.

command of language is shaky

"he's somewhere" let's hope not.

line 15 weakens gravity. explaining yourself is a confidence killer.

ephemeral and dust particles. whooda thunk it?

line 17. go away with the wind

he returns her gaze
like water-rich atmospheres.

water rich atmospheres is weak.

there should be wispy there. more blue cloud less blue rain.

this night club is plutowned.

time broke through ice. it rained nails.
 — bologna