poetry critical

online poetry workshop



the ephemeral shifting of dust particles
unknown

she's standing there
 1
at the edge of the room,
 2
somewhere off in the dark expanses
 3
of the solar system,
 4
which receive little,
 5
if any sunlight.
 6
 
 
he's somewhere
 7
in the middle, surrounded
 8
by faces, who appear a lot more interested
 9
in the warm air exchange of the moment.
 10
 
 
he turns his head
 11
in one gentle motion,
 12
a rotation she slows
 13
by the intense gravity
 14
of her stare.
 15
 
 
he returns her gaze
 16
with blue eyes,
 17
like water-rich atmospheres.
 18
 
 
suddenly she finds herself
 19
feeling a lot bigger
 20
in this world,
 21
 
 
where her footsteps are only noticeable
 22
by the ephemeral shifting
 23
of dust particles they cause.
 24

28 Feb 07

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Comments:

this is fabulous, intense imagery.. i like it a lot :)
 — unknown

title smells of sweaty scrotum.

command of language is shaky

"he's somewhere" let's hope not.

line 15 weakens gravity. explaining yourself is a confidence killer.

ephemeral and dust particles. whooda thunk it?

line 17. go away with the wind

he returns her gaze
like water-rich atmospheres.


water rich atmospheres is weak.

there should be wispy there. more blue cloud less blue rain.

this night club is plutowned.

time broke through ice. it rained nails.
 — bologna

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