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I like you standing here

I like
you standing here
topfull with light
wet with darkness
serenaded or sedated
on you heels on your toes
mindful or mind full
of blues or vagary
you with bare feet
you without plans.
I like you every
where the trees grow.

28 Feb 07

Rated 8.3 (8.3) by 3 users.
Active (3): 7, 9, 9
Inactive (0):

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(16 more poems by this author)

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the title would look better for me with a comma after you, so it would be, "you, standing"

it reads better that way as a title.

the poem?
i kind of like the way that this could be read two diferent ways. if you put a comma in the first line, like "I, like" it would create the impression of a unity or a juxtoposition of sorts, kind of like in line 5. however, when i read on, that seems silly. was just a nice idea i picked up on.

as for what has been written (in context this time) the use of the word "like" seems a liitle empty in the first line and line 9. it lacks any emotion and is just a statement. in the first line even if you were to use the phrase "I see" before progressing to the end and using it again, it would create that idea of a surrounding emotion. "like" is a statement, "see" is more visionary.
do you see what i mean?

line 4 should read: "on your heels or your toes" it doesn't make much sense to me otherwise they way it currently reads. by showing a lack of certainty as to how they are standing, it emphasises that feeling of sedation (not a word, but meh) in line 3.

this has a dreamy nature to it and with some work it could reach somewhere. i'll give it a 7 at the moment.

 — Esoteric

thanks for the comments.
 — theair

nice poem, I'm lost as if line 6 is correct I think you meant to put "your" and not "you" but maybe I'm wrong. good job though
 — vida