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I like you standing here
theair

I like
 1
you standing here
 2
 
 
topfull with light
 3
wet with darkness
 4
 
 
serenaded or sedated
 5
on you heels on your toes
 6
 
 
mindful or mind full
 7
of blues or vagary
 8
 
 
you with bare feet
 9
you without plans.
 10
 
 
I like you every
 11
where the trees grow.
 12

28 Feb 07

Rated 8.3 (8.3) by 3 users.
Active (3): 7, 9, 9
Inactive (0):

(define the words in this poem)
(16 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

the title would look better for me with a comma after you, so it would be, "you, standing"

it reads better that way as a title.

the poem?
i kind of like the way that this could be read two diferent ways. if you put a comma in the first line, like "I, like" it would create the impression of a unity or a juxtoposition of sorts, kind of like in line 5. however, when i read on, that seems silly. was just a nice idea i picked up on.

as for what has been written (in context this time) the use of the word "like" seems a liitle empty in the first line and line 9. it lacks any emotion and is just a statement. in the first line even if you were to use the phrase "I see" before progressing to the end and using it again, it would create that idea of a surrounding emotion. "like" is a statement, "see" is more visionary.
do you see what i mean?

line 4 should read: "on your heels or your toes" it doesn't make much sense to me otherwise they way it currently reads. by showing a lack of certainty as to how they are standing, it emphasises that feeling of sedation (not a word, but meh) in line 3.

this has a dreamy nature to it and with some work it could reach somewhere. i'll give it a 7 at the moment.

Eso
 — Esoteric

thanks for the comments.
 — theair

nice poem, I'm lost as if line 6 is correct I think you meant to put "your" and not "you" but maybe I'm wrong. good job though
 — vida

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