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The Age of the Expert
marshponds

He didn’t have a left leg so
 1
he pounded down the sidewalk
 2
on crutches tucked in his armpits
 3
like rifles.
 4
 
 
The newspaper reports that
 5
this is the age of the expert.
 6
 
 
Scientists witnessed another mammal
 7
create and use weapons—chimps
 8
sharpened sticks into spears and
 9
stabbed ‘bush babies’ that slept
 10
in trees.
 11
 
 
They used to just throw rocks
 12
to knock them unconscious.
 13

27 Feb 07

Rated 6 (6) by 3 users.
Active (3): 3, 7, 8
Inactive (0):

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Comments:

I hope this is implying what I think it is implying, however I'm not sure I am able to follow the first stanza if it isn't just literal, because the crutches are throwing me off. I'm pretty sure I like this one a lot though, cool.
 — Notecompsure

I do like this poem, and the cold, dispassionate voice; it gives one shivers.

For revision, I'd consider that the first stanza seems to have too many clauses; it feels run-on.  It's not major at all, but do consider dropping the word "on" from the beginning of line 4.  Second, consider whether or not line 10, "chimps in the West African savannah" is prosaic and tells a bit much (and line 13, "to death," maybe).  I know it may feel like pulling teeth, but consider how much cleaner the 3d stanza might be without them:

     It also reports that another mammal  
     has begun crafting and using weapons—  
     sharpened sticks to make spears  
     to stab their sleeping prey.

You might also consider being specific with the second occurance of "prey."
Good work, thanks,
 — mikkirat

strophe one works, barely.

the rest. vaginal flatulence.
 — bologna

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