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out from under an umbrella

in a dream i met a girl
who swam in sentiments
she poured idyllic notions into the cool night air-
and kneeded my rigid consciousness
we glided down gleaming streets
illuminated by lamp posts and love
she endowed me with the audacity to abide the day
and seize the moments that had always slipped away
layer by layer, exhausted habits were peeled away
stripped away was my artificial shade
we let the rain wash away my doubt
and from under my umbrella
i eventually ventured out

cheezy i know, but i had to put it out there

26 Feb 07

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You have some good lines in here.

In lines 8 to 11 you repeat the word "away" (and thus the sound) four times, it is too repetitive. Better to add some variety.
 — rocket

thanks rocket. ... .your right about the repetitiveness, i was worried about that.
 — Kodicas

I especially like the first two lines.

Kneeded on L4 seems off to me, just because I associate it more easily with bread and such, but your meaning is clear.

Endowed on L7 seems a bit overwrought. You could tighten it up without losing anything. Consider:
"She gave me the audacity to abide the day/and seize moments that always slipped away"
 — rocket

Yes Indeed.
 — LetterPerson