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out from under an umbrella
Kodicas

in a dream i met a girl
 1
who swam in sentiments
 2
 
 
she poured idyllic notions into the cool night air-
 3
and kneeded my rigid consciousness
 4
 
 
we glided down gleaming streets
 5
illuminated by lamp posts and love
 6
 
 
she endowed me with the audacity to abide the day
 7
and seize the moments that had always slipped away
 8
 
 
layer by layer, exhausted habits were peeled away
 9
stripped away was my artificial shade
 10
 
 
we let the rain wash away my doubt
 11
and from under my umbrella
 12
i eventually ventured out
 13

cheezy i know, but i had to put it out there

26 Feb 07

Rated 9 (9) by 2 users.
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Comments:

You have some good lines in here.

In lines 8 to 11 you repeat the word "away" (and thus the sound) four times, it is too repetitive. Better to add some variety.
 — rocket

thanks rocket. ... .your right about the repetitiveness, i was worried about that.
 — Kodicas

I especially like the first two lines.

Kneeded on L4 seems off to me, just because I associate it more easily with bread and such, but your meaning is clear.

Endowed on L7 seems a bit overwrought. You could tighten it up without losing anything. Consider:
"She gave me the audacity to abide the day/and seize moments that always slipped away"
 — rocket

Yes Indeed.
 — LetterPerson

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