poetry critical

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Another night spent reading love novels and watching Comedy Central. [For Daniel]
unknown

Another page turns as
 1
words float unseen into
 2
a wandering mind.
 3
 
 
She hates him for all the lonely nights
 4
spent reading books she doesn't like,
 5
and for all the dollars she spent
 6
trying to help him realize:
 7
he's her boyfriend.
 8
 
 
She hates him for not being a "romantic"
 9
at heart.  She just wants something
 10
to remember.  A simple ring or
 11
a dinner invitation, hell, just
 12
a reply to her notes.
 13
 
 
----
 14
 
 
The paper wrinkles as
 15
she re-reads for the thousandth
 16
time, a sonnet just for her.
 17
 
 
She loves him for the Valentine's Day
 18
poem, for the beating of his heart,
 19
underneath her pressing fingers.
 20
She wants their kisses to
 21
mean something, again.
 22
 
 
She loves him because he loves her,
 23
and she needs something to hold
 24
on to.  For reminding her that
 25
he thinks she's beautiful
 26
when she smiles.
 27

24 Feb 07

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Comments:

Ahh, the narcissistic whining of dependent, shallow youth..

Brings tears to my eyes.
 — unknown

unknown- grow a pair.  This is poetry critical.  How 'bout something constructive for the author??
 — likeavirus

Likeavirus, take your own advice.

I did her constructive critisicism, in a round-a-bout way.  Delete it.
 — unknown

The title is a bit long and Comedy Central isn't really an important detail. Better to focus tightly on the subject and omit the less relevant.

You could improve this by removing the statements like "She hates him". Find a more interesting way to share these sorts of details with the reader than stating them in simple language. A simple example might be using simile, she hates him like X hates Y.

I think you could better use love novels as a metaphor or at least a prop for conveying the content. THe shift from what presumbly turning the page of a love novel and then reading the poem confuses the poem a bit.

You're general in a few places I think it would be better to be specific. On L5, you say "reading books she doesn't like", which is pretty generic, as compared to love novels specificly. You mention she doesn't like them, but don't say why. It is pretty obvious, but the poem seems to casually bring up details without really
using them or exploring them enough to justify their inclusion.

Hope this helps.
 — rocket

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