poetry critical

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Summer and Laura

Pink in the sun she said to me,
dry your eyes and put that letter away.
Summertime 1994 all the colours of life
when little Laura Caine with her long legs
and Scooby Doo-brown hair
never noticed her before but she's started to
wear a little make-up and let her hair loose
and she wears those mini-dresses with the flowers on them came into my life.
Susan Browne had just decided that
some football player from her brother's college
was more suitable material for her,
yeah I hear she's in love.
Anyway I put that last letter away
for little Laure Caine and her sexy legs,
twinkly eyes and girly girly demeanor.
Rock on.

23 Feb 07

Rated 8.5 (8.5) by 2 users.
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Okay so some proper punctuation wouldn't go astray but this is delicious. Not an original story but told in a really original way. The name Susan Browne is a little naff or something. Love your descriptives, esp line 5!
 — unknown

Love lines 3, and 5 especially, they would be at home in any cool poem. In line 8 you should stick a comma after them to make more sense. Not sure about line 16 but the poem works ofr me in a big way. it's like you're revealing a personality underneath.
 — themorrigan

Really bad --- DELICIOUS? it seems like this is just a social club where everyone kisses butt and doesn't tell the truth.
 — unknown

Remove rock on and this poem will be a favourite of mine.
 — unknown

please add a line break in line 8 so that "came into my life" is on a line of its own. the meaning just isn't clear otherwise.

Also I'd remove the "Anyway" in line 13.

I like the idea of this poem, lines 1 to 7 are especially sweet. I'd change the part with susan browne though. first of all we don't know who she is (we can only guess). I'd use a more abstract term like "my girlfriend".

it sort of sounds like Laura Caine is just the "other solution", after line 13 she looses all of her former "scooby-doo" charme.

I'm sorry, but in my opinion, the "rock on" is another minus, I just find it a bit tactless and makes the reader forget its initial sweetness.

just think about the image you want to conjure but don't mix sweet and sour.
 — sparrow