poetry critical

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in a dish
awaiting the skillet
suddenly grows eyes
they are bloodshot
there are tears
the butter cries
are these your eyes?
they are ours
same eyes
same butter

23 Feb 07

Rated 6 (6) by 3 users.
Active (3): 4, 5, 9
Inactive (0):

(define the words in this poem)
(2 more poems by this author)

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I like poems about butter. I like the title; Butter, I like "the butter cries",
I like legs; like butter, skin; like butter, yes, "that"...like butter,
eyes like butter, in the butter?
I really like the poem actually, it's just a strange visual.
billy bob's banana boxes bumped bessy's butter bun breaking baby bird's balloon.
(i like the "B" book by Berenstain Bears too).
 — jenakajoffer

I agree that it is definately a neat visual, but the periods after each line aren't working for me. I don't think they enhance your meaning because they imply these drastic pauses after every single line. Your stanzas are well seperated, so the periods even cause some redundancy. Also, I don't understand your imagery here and I think part of that is owed to the confusion caused in your third stanza. The way you have it situated, it reads that the butter wants to know if the eyes are its own, but you have placed that section in parenthesis, which I guess implies that he only thought it, in which case you should have quatations around the stanza. But the word before this section leading into it is "cries", so I think that throws off the whole idea your trying to bring foward.
 — Notecompsure

I get nothing.  What was your point?  The one and two word phrases are more annoying than helpful here.
 — Isabelle5

The 3rd stanza threw me off a bit, too. Not that butter growing eyes that cry shouldn't, but I found that humorous. I also liked repeating the word "butter" in my mind...even while reading Jen's comment. I enjoyed the first two stanzas quite a bit.
 — Andiam

the 3rd threw me off too.  
but i was already hooked.
the first 2 really an elegant hook!
 — gnormal

Thanks for the help.  Maybe it works better this way, without periods, and with a changed 3rd stanza.
 — shallee

shallee, yes I think this is a lot better without punc.
nice changes, your poem looks and reads entirely different.
It's funny, I find myself not usually fond of weird poems.  I find this poem weird, but I find myself liking it.
 — jenakajoffer

Thanks, Jena.  I'm glad you like it.  The changes were needed.  The author knew it intuitively but needed some prodding confirmation.
 — shallee

I just caught something.  You could definitely omit "it" in L4.
"suddenly grows eyes", YEAH?.
Jus' so ya knows,
my name's
(common mistake here).
 — jenakajoffer

Thanks, Jen.
 — shallee

My margerine wears glasses.

Larry half blind Lark
 — larrylark