poetry critical

online poetry workshop

4:30 am

I'm vulnerable
yea, I'm invincible
In need of a place
to hide these things that I heed
It's unimportant
and unrelated
I'm becoming cold
and more outdated
My heart it burns
yet it's cold as ice
and in the midst
I can still see your eyes
They're gazing
yea, they're caring
but they fall on darkness
and complacency
It's unimportant
and unrelated
It's lost it's ability
to feel as I hated
My eyes they cry
The waterless tears
of a girl who's died
throughout the years.
I'm numb
yea, I'm emotional
and everything contradicts
the mixed thoughts of emotionless waste
It's unimportant
and unrelated
These lungs that stopped breathing
and eyes that are jaded
My motionless limbs
all the cards on the table
and I'm realizing slowly
That I may not be stable.

23 Feb 07

Rated 5 (5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 5, 5
Inactive (0):

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I bet you think this is pretty good don't you? Well...I'll let you keep thinking that. 5/10
 — Henry

This poem is filled with inconsistencies and contradictions.  Can you pick a theme and stick to it throughout?  I'm cold, I'm not, I'm vulnerable, I'm invincible.

You also NEED punctuation desperately in this.  It's running together like a toilet that won't stop...flush and start again, that's my advice.

My eyes, they cry is mentioned in every English book as BAD writing.  We know it's the eyes that cry so just say I cry.  

This might mean very much to you but as written, it's nearly meaningless to the reader.  Can you simplify?   From what I can glean, if you simply wrote, "I'm confused," you'd have the gist of the entire poem.
 — Isabelle5

nice....can relate to it especially with what happened to me 4:30 this morning.
 — unknown

first of all... what the hell?
 — unknown