poetry critical

online poetry workshop



4:30 am
unknown

I'm vulnerable
 1
yea, I'm invincible
 2
In need of a place
 3
to hide these things that I heed
 4
It's unimportant
 5
and unrelated
 6
I'm becoming cold
 7
and more outdated
 8
My heart it burns
 9
yet it's cold as ice
 10
and in the midst
 11
I can still see your eyes
 12
 
 
They're gazing
 13
yea, they're caring
 14
but they fall on darkness
 15
and complacency
 16
It's unimportant
 17
and unrelated
 18
It's lost it's ability
 19
to feel as I hated
 20
My eyes they cry
 21
The waterless tears
 22
of a girl who's died
 23
throughout the years.
 24
 
 
I'm numb
 25
yea, I'm emotional
 26
and everything contradicts
 27
the mixed thoughts of emotionless waste
 28
It's unimportant
 29
and unrelated
 30
These lungs that stopped breathing
 31
and eyes that are jaded
 32
My motionless limbs
 33
all the cards on the table
 34
and I'm realizing slowly
 35
That I may not be stable.
 36

23 Feb 07

Rated 5 (5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 5, 5
Inactive (0):

(define the words in this poem)



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Comments:

I bet you think this is pretty good don't you? Well...I'll let you keep thinking that. 5/10
 — Henry

This poem is filled with inconsistencies and contradictions.  Can you pick a theme and stick to it throughout?  I'm cold, I'm not, I'm vulnerable, I'm invincible.

You also NEED punctuation desperately in this.  It's running together like a toilet that won't stop...flush and start again, that's my advice.

My eyes, they cry is mentioned in every English book as BAD writing.  We know it's the eyes that cry so just say I cry.  

This might mean very much to you but as written, it's nearly meaningless to the reader.  Can you simplify?   From what I can glean, if you simply wrote, "I'm confused," you'd have the gist of the entire poem.
 — Isabelle5

nice....can relate to it especially with what happened to me 4:30 this morning.
 — unknown

first of all... what the hell?
 — unknown

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