| The subtle properties of lemongrass |
jenakajoffer
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My dear,
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I'm going to China
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I am leaving you behind,
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to search for higher wisdom
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and an herb to clear my mind.
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I will learn the art of weaving
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(like you wove a quilt of lies),
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but a wide-brimmed hat would suit you well
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to shade your roving eye.
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I'll use slender stalks of lemongrass
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(like in that awful soup we ate
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at that seedy little Thai place
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where we set our wedding date).
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ugh...!
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anyway, where was I? oh yes,
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weaving...
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with its natural diuretic
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it will cleanse your goatish needs
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and an oily antiseptic
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dripping slowly from its reeds-
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the aromatic citrine, sweet
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will calm your straying thoughts,
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and a soothing shade of yellow-green
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to smother what you sought...
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But if you follow me to China
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and I offer you this hat,
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you'll be slapped with stewing fish heads
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when you leave my village flat-
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see, if you wear a hat in China
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made with any hint of green,
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you are believed to be deceitful
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so behold a frightful scene-
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since this hat reveals truths
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and the secrets in your life,
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and my dear
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there is no honour,
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when you're cheating on your wife.
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20 Feb 07 |
Rated 9.2 (9.2) by 7 users.
Active (7): 7, 8, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (0):
(define the words in this poem)
(16 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
Beautiful title and great poem! Very nicely done. Check for some spelling errors: a herbs/and herbs, a herb, and 'it's' throughout.
— JustineCH
hey thanks Justine, typos fixed. I have been totally brain-dead lately and bummed out that I couldn't write, so I started throwing things around last night. I'm surprised you like it, me, I thought it just silly.
Thankyou!
— unknown
Althought there are several small problems with flow and punctuation, I like this very much. It drew me right in, especially as I have a marvelous little air-freshener thing that is lemongrass oil with 7 little reed-sticks that suck up the oik and send it into the room. Is that true about green hats in China?
— Isabelle5
hi Isabelle,
I'm glad you like this.
yes, there are some tacks in this, any suggestions?
and yes, it is true of the hats in China.
— unknown
Super title here it fits the poem so well. This is really cute, I like it alot!
— unknown
hmmmm
i like poems by
unknown...
there's a good basket-weaver one from a couple weeks ago.
herb- i believe it proper, regardless of pronounced or silent "h" to start a word
that "an" is used?
L16- i think it would seem nicer were it stuck up under L15?
it's/its'- the possessive of "it" is "its". "it's" invariably means "it is". " its' "- i'm not sure that's an actual english word?
L33,34- a bit clunky on the literal side. you've got "something reveals truths to something". hat to secrets? see what i mean?
i prefer the manner in which you've spelled "honour".
i agree with the sentiment of 35-36 as i am, ever have been, ever will be,
a good boy...
nice poem
— chuckles
an herb
as opposed to
a herb...
— chuckles
yes, the "an herb" or "a herb" had me wondering, glad you picked it out.
Just so retarded "an" when the "h" isn't always silent (I like to prounce the "h", but yes, I do think it's correct to us "an").
The lines 33, 34 used to read:
"since this hat reveals truths
and the secrets in your life"...is it still clunky like that?
this has been a tricky part for me to incorporate.
My "it's, its'" are driving me mad. I just noticed another one. So what is it? Its?
I'm spelling it like that then.
Thanks for the help, you are a good boy. Why did you read this anyway?
=-)
— unknown
I suppose the manner in which I spelled "honour" (just checked dictionary, saw "honor" but I have always spelled such words with the "ou"), gives me away to some degree I guess, eh?? haha.
I was experimenting as unknown trying to prevent biased comments/ratings on my oh-so-mediocre poetry.
So much for that. *tongue sticking out*.
— unknown
I've never been a fan of rhyming schemes unless in Rap or in poems that have a point. This poem is LOADED with the point and the rhyme(s) couldn't be better. Love it! p.s. Awesome title too! Good work!
— starr
Starr, thank you so much.
— unknown
well, I changed serpent, as I think it may distract from the real superstition (green hats = wife cheater). I only used "serpent" to describe him as being a snake/deceitful, but the serpent is used in Chinese folklore often, therefore, misleading the reader.
has this improved at all?
— unknown
There is something here. I like the idea, the lines which detail the effects of lemon grass are the best lines. However, the rhyme is really forced in places and the meter is all over the place. To write in rhyme you have to get meter down first - or the rhymes will feel ackward. Hope you take some time to look at meter and rhyme - this poem deserves to get more of your attention - too good to throw away.
— unknown
nice poem.
only one problem i have is the gap between line 9 and line 17.
10-16 need to be 'weaved' in, as it were.
getting rid of 14-16 might help i think.
you have used the period sparingly.
but i think you could use one in 17-24.
try it after 'needs'. which will make 'and an' in line 19, 'the'.
you might want to reconsider the comma in line 21 as well.
interesting, about china and green hats.
and deceit, i'm glad there's no snake in your poem anymore.
thanks.
— varun
well, well,
hello jen.
— varun
the subtle properties of guiness will outweigh the properties of lemongrass, why cheat life by not cheating on your wife?
— unknown
Hi again Jen,
Being British, I'd go for 'a herb' as we pronounce the 'h' :-). Also, the rest of yr spelling ('honour') is British English ...
— JustineCH
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