Apart from punctuation I see no help I can give this poem. Your imagery and metaphor are original and interesting and I like the undertone I get from this.
L2 full stop at end.
L4 semi-colon at end.
L5 does not need a capital to start.
L8 comma at end
L9 semi-colon at end.
yeah, the only punctuation marks i focused on were separating ideas from one another.