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mandarin thoughts

I saw him carefully peeling the skin
off a mandarin orange
all in one go,
and I saw the white and orange curl hit the floor.
It reminded me off the time I saw
the whites of his eyes flicker
before the hot orange flame
underneath his "friend"'s heroin spoon mess.
Nothing can stop the shivers
from taking control of my body
as I think of what he used to be,
and of what he could still become.
But our baby knows nothing of any of this,
and for him I will forget all.

19 Feb 07

Rated 7.3 (7.3) by 3 users.
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Like this. I feel that lines 9 to 12 are a little bit weak however. It needs to be stronger and more imaginitive. Line 14, maybe you should insert "it" after forget? Line 8 is messy too. But I like the image of the orange skin falling, and what the colours remind you of. You come out at the end with something positive too. Interesting title.
 — bleach

I love this.
It's heavy.

It's simple but the feelings are deep and vivid.
I can relate.
 — likeavirus

Like this too. Agree line 8 is a bit off, but I can't fault the rest, it's laden with emotion.
 — themorrigan

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