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A poem pending
sisotowbel

Go planting lilies and tend them like kin,
 1
but know all is vulnerable to consumptive force:
 2
a venous core, caving in.
 3
 
 
Pear, twisted to space earth.
 4
Leaf of crispature rusting, to skin age.
 5
 
 
Ring of lunar rainbow,
 6
a brevity by temper of sun.
 7
 
 
Out! Bitter apples,
 8
ceaseless sour frenetics -
 9
even the cat is distraught,
 10
grapples a declivity.
 11

18 Feb 07

Rated 6 (6) by 1 users.
Active (1): 6
Inactive (0):

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Comments:

What in the name of Dom DeLuise is this rubbish? 6/10
 — Henry

The wording is so garbled and it seems like there should be a lot more commas than there are. This poem is a wreck. It's too choppy.
 — Henry

Thanks Henry - yes, I think it is a bit choppy.
Perhaps I am being obtuse, maybe the poem needs to explain itself better?
Can you give any examples of where you think I should punctuate,
and what you find so garbled?
Will x
 — sisotowbel

dumb.
 — unknown

You're overspending your big word budget.

I think dropping the "go" would be a better start. i.e. "Plant your lillies..."

The blend of farm and space language is a bit rough, but interesting as an idea.
 — rocket

Rocket,
I've been dubious about this poem and now I think it's best to revise it fully.
I think it needs restructuring and some additions/removals.
Thanks for the comments, Will x
 — sisotowbel

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