poetry critical : poem

Ode (in ancient meter)

dont_know

Hardly had I thought I should learn to perish;	1
Ever young, enwrapped in my robe I wandered,	2
Raising dreamy eyes to the star styled often	3
Solitude's symbol.	4

All at once, however, you crossed my pathway -	5
Suffering - you, painfully sweet, yet torture...	6
To the lees I drank the delight of dying -	7
Pitiless torment.	8

Sadly racked, I'm burning alive like Nessus,	9
Or like Hercules by his garment poisoned;	10
Nor can I extinguish my flames with every	11
Billow of oceans.	12

By my own illusion consumed I'm wailing	13
On my own grim pyre in flames I'm melting...	14
Can I hope to rise again like the Phoenix	15
Bird from the ashes?	16

May all tempting eyes vanish from my pathway	17
Come back to my breast, you indifferent sorrow!	18
So that I may quietly die, restore me	19
To my own being!	20

17 Feb 07

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(4 more poems by this author)

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Comments:

This doesn't come across as 'ancient' or as an 'ode'. It reads more like the Author was trying incredibly hard to 'think' ancient, and hasn't had much success. Read some 'ancient' odes and then come back to this. The poem is a bit tangled as is - lines like 'pitiless torment' come across as immature and far too modern.
— unknown

I think the poem would have been fine had you not tried to make it "ancient".

The ancient allusions suite the piece well, and I suggest you let it take a life of it's own rather than try to capture a certain kind of poem.

I sugest that you you don't blantly state "like Nessus" and "like Hercules". I think a metaphor would work better.

You have a great poem here, it just needs some touching up.

Hope that helps. : )
-amber
— wanderlusted

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