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ebony; with staring eyes
paler than dark fur
clipped away to cool
such a fragile body,
tiny, shaking.
each breath draws
life inside but saps
strength and lowers
limbs to carpeted floor.

17 Feb 07

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line 2 - than
i'm not sure about lines 4 or 5 either - it seems as if line 5 is just a repeat of the idea fragile - maybe something with a bit less description to emphasie the fragile body maybe.

the final stanza is intriguing and has certainly made me think of a few things. maybe the wording or the placing of the comma can be moved to help it read better. after the comma it sounds like you are talking about something else aside from the breathing - i know you are, but ti doesn't feel that way. i don't know if you know what i'm talking about, but maybe the wording could be changed a bit.

line 9 -"limbs to a carpeted floor" or use another word before carpeted, as it seems to take out some of the sophistication with the idea.

i do like this, especially the idea of ebony being linked with it. maybe a few alterations and it'll be something really nice.

hope i've been of some use,
 — Esoteric

oh, Inutile it's you! awesome.
 — Esoteric

yes, it's me. thanks very much for your comment (ad the other help). i used some of your suggestions, as you already know, and i suppose i will leave it for a while until someone else helps me with it.
 — inutile