poetry critical

online poetry workshop



ebony
inutile

ebony; with staring eyes
 1
paler than dark fur
 2
clipped away to cool
 3
such a fragile body,
 4
tiny, shaking.
 5
 
 
each breath draws
 6
life inside but saps
 7
strength and lowers
 8
limbs to carpeted floor.
 9

17 Feb 07

Rated 8 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8
Inactive (0):

(define the words in this poem)
(54 more poems by this author)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

line 2 - than
i'm not sure about lines 4 or 5 either - it seems as if line 5 is just a repeat of the idea fragile - maybe something with a bit less description to emphasie the fragile body maybe.

the final stanza is intriguing and has certainly made me think of a few things. maybe the wording or the placing of the comma can be moved to help it read better. after the comma it sounds like you are talking about something else aside from the breathing - i know you are, but ti doesn't feel that way. i don't know if you know what i'm talking about, but maybe the wording could be changed a bit.

line 9 -"limbs to a carpeted floor" or use another word before carpeted, as it seems to take out some of the sophistication with the idea.

i do like this, especially the idea of ebony being linked with it. maybe a few alterations and it'll be something really nice.

hope i've been of some use,
Eso
 — Esoteric

oh, Inutile it's you! awesome.
haha,
Eso
 — Esoteric

yes, it's me. thanks very much for your comment (ad the other help). i used some of your suggestions, as you already know, and i suppose i will leave it for a while until someone else helps me with it.
 — inutile

0.486s