poetry critical

online poetry workshop

Car Ride

Just a poem inspired by a purple piece of construction paper...

Purple-like what I see when I
close my eyes
And face the sun;
Or maybe that's orange-I can't tell.
The only thing that's coming to me
is the warmth on my face,
Seeping through the cracks in my eyes
Swimming back in my head until
My thoughts are cooked
Sunny side up-
up and up we go, climbing
This steep hill
White knuckles gripping
Plumb Seats.

16 Feb 07

(define the words in this poem)

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Welcome to the site, Bekah. Thanks for commenting on my Hermit poem first of all.

I think you could work on this more, to your benefit. There's definitely a lot of little things that are lowering the quality, that it'd be relatively easy and constructive to fix. Some of them may seem petty, or unnecessary, but even small details are important in a short poem like this one.

For example, your capitalization seems almost random and, frankly, poorly thought out. Sometimes you begin a line with a full cap, sometimes not, some words seemed capitalized that don't need to be. I don't think capitalization is absolutely necessary in  every poem, but one or the other or even consistency of use helps. Again, it may seem like a small thing, but small things add up and detract from your work.

I think you could also work on your line breaks; I consider a line break to be best utilized as an end of a thought, or as an emphasis for a particular word in a line. These don't really seem to do either, to me. I think if you tried playing with the lines and seeing how the shape and tone of a line can change with a break, it'd help you.

You also seem pretty enthusiastic with your punctuation. There's dashes where you could have used a break, you use a semi colon where I think a dash would be more graceful. With a subject and tone like this one, I think a flow that moves quickly and smoothly would work best and the punctuation in this one is definitely hindering that.

I hope I've given you a bit to work with here and perhaps think about. Good luck.
 — dandy