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i pawed at her breast

why're we running
scream in her ear
no one hear but her
she runs away from the world
carries me always
feels my humming
magnetic in her head

not done with this yet...

16 Feb 07

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This is why people use articles in poems. Every time someone tells me to take "extraneous" words out of my poetry, I remove the articles first and it sounds like this.

You really need to include some voice, or vice, or something. Even if you're all about minimalism, which I assume you are for at least this piece, try something like:

why're we running?

screamed in her ear,
but no one heard but her

she ran away from the world,
carried me always,
magnetic in her head

Note that even simply adding a single conjunction and a tense to the occurrance makes the reader's head hurt less. I hope the re-write didn't make you homicidal.

 — teo_omega11

Why are you posting an unfinished poem?  You left out some punctuation marks that would help the reader.  Such as a question mark end of line 1.

Line 3 is missing some vital words, isn't it?  Try reading it aloud.  

Post again when you're done with it.  Are you asking us to help you finish it or what?  Just curious.
 — Isabelle5

hmm very interesting. nice mysterious mood. rock on.
 — lanezfairy

harf harf
 — unknown