Comments:
This is why people use articles in poems. Every time someone tells me to take "extraneous" words out of my poetry, I remove the articles first and it sounds like this.
You really need to include some voice, or vice, or something. Even if you're all about minimalism, which I assume you are for at least this piece, try something like:
why're we running?
screamed in her ear,
but no one heard but her
she ran away from the world,
carried me always,
magnetic in her head
Note that even simply adding a single conjunction and a tense to the occurrance makes the reader's head hurt less. I hope the re-write didn't make you homicidal.
Teo.
— teo_omega11
Why are you posting an unfinished poem? You left out some punctuation marks that would help the reader. Such as a question mark end of line 1.
Line 3 is missing some vital words, isn't it? Try reading it aloud.
Post again when you're done with it. Are you asking us to help you finish it or what? Just curious.
— Isabelle5
hmm very interesting. nice mysterious mood. rock on.
— lanezfairy
harf harf
— unknown
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