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feeling unknown.
sShelled

Post-humorously,
 1
sitting on the comparison
 2
of me without an you, of a you with another idea to be me;
 3
spieling out orange peel and wicker juice from my brain’s mechanics tottering steel against the engine.
 4
 
 
Temptations in this world
 5
haven’t felt as real since I imagined your death,
 6
your black mark streaked across the hate and wealth of every move my life has loved
 7
before, now: I can only question its worth,
 8
of what gave me such hope and determination
 9
I could write in a book of and read over and over,
 10
Until the amaze wears away that I was given love… So to
 11
only sit in the maze of what else is their to fulfill me,’
 12
someone has cared enough
 13
to see me as innocent for being human,
 14
to see me as a victim of who we let ourselves to be.
 15
 
 
(Kindred weather storms, drying hot coals on our postmen’s clock)
 16
 
 
I rocked myself to sleep
 17
Imagining your ponderous breath puffing phenomenally with murk and proud tethering scars from the casual way we philander through living,
 18
Like cigarettes in our mouth,
 19
...And disengaged sex
 20
How could you be so crass in your cold snort
 21
to not join in the wonder of colour and surprise of your birth being unfounded.
 22
 
 
(as that swallowing feeling of an pussy holding a dick
 23
Pushing and pulling,
 24
rubbing near the eagerness to know what I’m (you're) capable of feeling)
 25
 
 
Ignore the imprudent way we tear down the side of the road with our need to make it easy, our need to be indifferent from the snow,
 26
yet we can melt just like it, and not know.
 27
not know.
 28

16 Feb 07

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Comments:

I would like to appreciate this but there are many grammatical errors that prevent me.  Some of your tenses are mismatched, such as in lines 5-6 - temptations hasn't.  Do you want singular temptation or plural hasn't?  You have to choose.

Line 18 - puffing phenomenally, perhaps?  Puffing phenomenal sounds unfinished.

You obviously did not take time to read this before submitting it.  Check out line 21, for instance.  Take the time to respect your work!  

Lines 23-24 appear to have been added for shock value or something, they don't seem to be there purposefully.

I think you can revise and make it better.  
 — Isabelle5

any other problems? help with line breaks and such would be an kind gesture.

Thanks for actually commenting at all though,
cause I've been posting poems like fuck and not the littlest bit of criticism has been coming back, honestly where are the self-righteous now-it-alls to tell me my poems suck and every little thing thats wrong with them.... i'd even appreciate a little of that.
 — sShelled

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