poetry critical

online poetry workshop

subject to change

"You know when
you've been invited solely to enjoy
and share the festive spirit and
when you've been invited solely
to be enjoyed by
lonely, aging bachelors."
Eye candy.
To these strangers who've only gathered enough courage for a quickie conversation.
Who've, only after anticipated glasses,
inquired about her status.
She needs no one to auction her off
and instead wants to dance,
to laugh and cook.
To love with no assistance, no restriction.
"I'm here happy.
With my cats, my kids
my turtles, trees.
They need me."
To encourage self-suffiency
she carefully nitpicks words
for me, and shows that
it is a state most comfortable;
hardly circumstantial.

16 Feb 07

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Line 6 - bachelores?  Really?  I think you don't need the 2nd e there.

Who've is a very awkward pronoun to use twice in a short space.  

Line 23 - circumstancial?  Try that one again.

Line 15 is a little strange in the placement of the 'here.'  

I'd add some basic punctuation marks and shine this up.  Spell check is worth getting to know how to use.  Good luck.
 — Isabelle5