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shadow
shallee

years before
 1
the oak
 2
in  my neighbor's yard
 3
let in light
 4
 
 
garden plants, poorly kept,
 5
gushed tendrils
 6
up, out, back to earth,
 7
getting whatever stake, whatever stick,
 8
whatever support I gave
 9
 
 
now the oak gives giant shadow
 10
nothing grows
 11
 
 
why can't those tendrils be
 12
your arms?  here again?
 13
giving me all I want?
 14

16 Feb 07

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(define the words in this poem)



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Comments:

i'd kill 12-14. and get rid of 'giant'. i don't think you need a superlative.

an option if you would consider:

now the oak shades
and nothing grow.

here's a complete edit [i have too much time]:

garden plants, poorly kept
gushed tendrils up
out
and back to earth,
with whatever stake,
whatever stick,
whatever support
i gave

now the oak
in my neighbours' yard
gives shade
and nothing grows.


i would retitle this 'my garden plants', or something to lay attention on your plants instead of the oak's shadow.
i got rid of the last three lines because, personally, i think that without the mention of 'you' and 'me', the emotion is stronger.

thanks.
 — varun

i agree with varun.  or i would suggest finding a way to rewrite 12-14, it doesn't quite work, however I like the tone of desire and desperation.
 — sarahjoie

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