poetry critical

online poetry workshop



it was a winter day. i thought you loved me.
varun

he'd slapped her
 1
metaphorically
 2
[you're a whore]
 3
then smirked.
 4
 
 
 
 
 
 
    just another cliche
 5
    sunny winter day;
 6
    in shade then light - she
 7
    agreed to walk with him
 8
    just after they met
 9
    at the florist around the corner.
 10
    afternoon became - a matinee.
 11
    evening came, passed without fuss.
 12
    night was a cloaked surprise:
 13
 
 
  wine and chocolate truffles led
 14
  to them lying naked in bed -
 15
  
 16
    fine dining his forte, a restaurateur.
 17
    and her's, short dresses, especially red.
 18
    he was also a poet, a 'man
 19
    of words' as he described.
 20
    she was an actress, a temptress, a woman
 21
    without a moment contrived.
 22
 
 
  cigarette smoke and a champagne moon
 23
  whirled around, all around, his decadent room.
 24
 
 
    in the midst of all those midnight
 25
    upside-down conversations - those
 26
    bare stretches between nothing,
 27
    and everything,
 28
    he wondered aloud -
 29
    'what kind of a woman
 30
       sleeps with a man
 31
         on the day they meet'?
 32
 
 
 
 
 
 
she'd slapped him
 33
literally
 34
[don't judge me]
 35
and left.
 36

15 Feb 07

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keiz



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Comments:

Ha! I enjoyed that,

Im no expert poet, so my opinion is offered humbly -
Im not a fan of almost opening with the word cliche,
it kind of infects the whole poem with cliche. Perhaps
there's a good reason for that? - I was surprised by the ending...
Also, if it was mine, id probably edit lines 14 and 15 out of the poem,
and perhaps 23,24 (though i do like champagne moon/decadent room),
and condense the words somehow into the three central parts.

Anyway, it made me laugh, thanks!
Will
 — sisotowbel

thanks sisotowbel.

i think i'll keep the cliche. and the cliches.
 — varun

nice poem
 — unknown

thanks.
 — unknown

wow this is really powerful.  for some reason when i was reading this the song "Tango Roxanne" started playing in my head.
It raises quite the issue in a powerful way.  
I find some of it perhaps a bit too cliche for my taste- her an actress, temptress, etc... maybe not so much cliche but too much "told". I'm very much a fan of the "show don't tell" school, sorry if that sounds annoying.
you are a brilliant writer, thank you.  
 — sarahjoie

I really enjoyed this.  The "cliches" work perfectly!  
The intro and footer are so AMAZING here.  
You have a way of showing how to really use these features, haha.  
I am surprised, however, at the titled portion in italics (is she saying "I thought you loved me"?), either way, I don't quite understand the connection, seeing as they just met.

Nice write varun,
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

I don't know. I don't think the cliche worked at all. TH e whole poem kind of bored me. It didn't seem to go anywhere. The ending is 'cute' i guess. I don't know if cute is what you are going for.
 — unknown

thanks jen.

-v
 — unknown

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