poetry critical

online poetry workshop



'I Will Stop Writing Poems'
JoelJosol

So I told myself-
 1
 
 
the way substance abusers
 2
make promises.
 3
 
 
I promise not to hide
 4
pieces of thought
 5
under my bed,
 6
the way alcoholics
 7
hide their bottle
 8
behind denials.
 9
 
 
And when verses pop up
 10
in between my synapses,
 11
and the hands
 12
start craving a keyboard,
 13
or a paper
 14
I vow to distract myself,
 15
like a cataract does
 16
to the vision of the eye.
 17
 
 
Perhaps, I should be confined
 18
in a center
 19
to rehabilitate myself
 20
or better still
 21
be secluded in a mountain
 22
and one day come out
 23
like Moses or Buddha,
 24
after 40 days of reflections
 25
or meditation
 26
or whatever it is called.
 27
 
 
Except that in mountains today
 28
a stranger is an enemy.
 29
 
 
Strangers are suspect
 30
in mountains
 31
where freedom fighters hide
 32
or bandits plan another raid
 33
or soldiers comb through
 34
the obscurity of purpose, hidden
 35
within the foliage
 36
and by the early morning mist.
 37
 
 
When caught
 38
I will drop my books,
 39
my only weapons.
 40
In the midst
 41
of the forest mist,
 42
I will confess the strangeness
 43
of my presence:
 44
All I want to do
 45
is to stop writing poems.
 46

14 Feb 07

Rated 8.7 (8.7) by 3 users.
Active (3): 7, 9, 10
Inactive (0):

(define the words in this poem)
(10 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

this is very cool.  
I was a little worried by the title at first, (that I was in for some gay words, sorry), but that was not the case.  
Awesome poem,
Jen-  
 — jenakajoffer

nice poem.
i think you could break the lines much better.
also, the last three lines could be phrased differently to have more impact.
 — varun

Jen, thanks for the feedback. I will not ask you anymore about your initial apprehension.

Varun, I will review the last three lines. Thanks.
 — JoelJosol

I changed the first of the last three lines.
 — JoelJosol

Tweak L25-L26 lines.
 — JoelJosol

Line breaks would help this or divisions into stanzas.  You have a few comma problems but overall, this is very good.  Just not enough space to give the eyes room to focus.

Why would you want to stop writing poems?  If you have to write, you have to write!  Why fight it?
 — Isabelle5

a few suggestions:

So I told myself -
the way substance abusers
make promises -
I won't hide
pieces of thought
under my bed, the way
alcoholics
hide their bottles
behind curtains
of denial. And when
verses pop up in
between my synapses, and the hands
start craving a keyboard,
or a paper.
I vowed to distract myself,
like a cataract does
the vision of the eye. Perhaps
I should be confined
in a center
to rehabilitate myself
or better still
be secluded in a mountain
and one day come out
like Moses or Buddha,
after days of reflections
or meditation
or whatever it is called.

Except that in mountains today
a stranger is an enemy.

Strangers are suspect
in mountains, freedom fighters
hide or bandits
plan another raid.
Soldiers comb through
the obscurity of purpose, hidden
within the foliage
in early morning mist.

When caught
I will drop my books
my only weapons:
In the midst of the forest,
I will confess
the strangeness of my presence;
I want to heal myself,
without words.


if you look closely, i haven't changed much. of course, i've left some words out. but not much. no.
thanks.
 — varun

Isabelle and varun, thanks for your feedback.

I will look into breaking this up into stanza like varun did.
 — JoelJosol

Here is a stanza-oriented version of the same poem (originally in one paragraph). With a little bit of change in the last two lines.

Isabelle, it was just a feeling that I capitalized on to write this piece.
 — JoelJosol

Note that I replaced the alliteration of 'h' from the line and internal rhyme of 'e'

I am here to heal myself, to stop writing poems

with internal rhyme of 'o'

All I want to do is to stop writing poems
 — JoelJosol

You will be doing us all a favor if you will stop writing poems.
 — unknown

Unknown, your comment is not specific to the poem to be of value.
 — JoelJosol

0.494s