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Red Hair
Mongrol

Such perfection in movement and sound syncronised in performance.
 1
 
 
 
 
she tells me later
 2
 
 
 
 
"i saw you watching me...."
 3
 
 
 
 
I wasn't just watching her... i existed in that moment.
 4

13 Feb 07

Rated 6.5 (6.5) by 4 users.
Active (4): 4, 6, 10
Inactive (0): 7

(define the words in this poem)
(18 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

Sounds like a script to me. Don't understand the connection between title and the rest ...
 — JustineCH

I think

this is beautiful.  I took my breath away.  The little 'i' in Line 4 is wonderful.
 — unknown

an enigma is fine too
 — Mongrol

ty unknown

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

it's amazing how such few words can paint a picture of beautiful dances and red hair. great poem!

I would perhaps leave out the double spacing though and only distance the last line from the rest of the  poem.
 — sparrow

changed the spacing Sparrow :) - thanks for the feedback
 — Mongrol

I like it but I dont think it's very beautiful, but i love red hair on girls. Nice Title
 — vida

ty  though Vida - i dont think i was aiming for 'beautiful' with the words i chose - just a captured moment

nothing i could possibly write could compare to the girl with red hair anyway :)
 — Mongrol

wow i not perfet but it is  good  

good job you
 — cheerchick

Love line 4.  The whole poem, if you could call it that, which I guess you can, is very thought provoking and of course romatic, which I am a big sucker for, when it's done correctly.
 — callingcard

ty cheerchick and callingcard for your comments  - was very nice of you
 — Mongrol

Hmm. Well, after reading this a number of times, I was actually surprised how sharp and clear a mental image I got from relatively clumsily phrased lines. I think you've got something good to work with, but it needs revision.

The two long lines you have in this, ll1&4, don't flow well to me. They would work much better broken, for example, breaking after "movement" in l1 would add emphasis to the mental image that's lacking at the moment.

Also, the random capitalization/non-capitalization really brings this down. It's not that I think all poems must be one or the other, but consistency of structure can count for a lot, because it creates a framework that displays your image. If you wanted it as it is, fine, but I think this would be much improved one way or the other.

So, overall, I think you should try a few lines breaks, rethinking your capitalizations and perhaps remove the ellipses. That's kind of a last minute thought, but they come off as overdramatic, which diminishes the actual feeling I see. Thanks for sharing, I hope you'll consider my suggests.
 — dandy

-updated-

yes thank you dandy - i've incorportated some of your suggestions where they work without distracting from the original form :)
 — Mongrol

-updated-
 — Mongrol

You shouldn't have changed this.  It had an ethereal quality initially, now it reads like constipated stools plopping into the already overflowing commode of academia.  How can someone else tell you how to improve your own captured moment?  Changing my rating.
 — unknown

nice, you should read some Robert Herrick, poems consisting of "Julia".
 — SenorSin

hmm - ok point taken unknown - yes i did respond to the more literal acedemic criticism

but personally i think your right - returning it to original form
 — Mongrol

i don't understand why a single of the three "i"s is capitalised?
 — inutile

the capital I only exists as it is at the beginning of a new sentance and is based loosely on the idea of 'self' and 'other' and existance

:)
 — Mongrol

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