poetry critical

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my first piece of hate mail
unknown

...you have a confident voice, almost arrogant,
 1
how have you come to be so full of yourself?
 2
 
 
dear _____
 3
 
 
thanks for the email.
 4
 
 
my source of confidence is rooted in the fact that you are full of shit, the men to the left and right of me in the bar as i write this are full of shit and especially i am full of shit.
 5
 
 
the human race is little more than a mud puddle of loose flesh haphazardly stretched over dud firecrackers and yo-yos with no strings.
 6
 
 
we've all got heads full of canker sores from years of the long, slow, dead-end hustle.
 7
 
 
the sooner you come to understand that supple truth,
 8
the quicker you can begin laughing
 9
while they piss in your face.
 10
 
 
yours,
 11
justin.
 12

12 Feb 07

Rated 8 (8) by 1 users.
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Comments:

Loved it. It spoke to me. I wish I received such mail. 8/10
 — Henry

ehhhh, so-so.  i like your message here, but it didn't give me all that i think it could've.

i really did like these phrases though:

"dud firecrackers and yo-yos with no strings."
"dead-end hustle."

mmm. the beginning.  it was a LITTLE confusing.  it didn't bother me for long, but it could have been a little more obvious which part was what they sent and which part was what you sent.  i don't know though; looking back over it, it SHOULD'VE been obvious to me; i don't know how you'd make it more obvious...but, consider it maybe.

i think this part needs a comma:
"full of shit, and especially i am"

if nothing else, the "arrogant speaker" works as a pretty interesting gimmick, so, i'd definitely say keep that up.

good luck with your revisions & thanks for sharing!
steve
 — steveroggenb

Why is the truth supple? Maybe finish L8 at 'understand'
Enjoyed, thanks for the read.
 — unknown

*teehee*
(i prefer poo
and pee to what
you have)
crazy mf
 — chuckles

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