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Mirage
listen

Hands cracked,
 1
stuck with sores.
 2
 
 
Sun looming
 3
in impact of rays
 4
wrenching heat,
 5
 
 
as though to
 6
extract everything within
 7
 
 
to distill.
 8
 
 
Uninvited sand,
 9
ready to take,
 10
pull him down
 11
with dry ropes,
 12
 
 
strung to pitiful noose,
 13
trapped in stinging apparel
 14
sucking desert fumes.
 15
 
 
A single strand of water, clear and iridescent, rolls gently toward him and
 16
 
 
vanishes.
 17

11 Feb 07

Rated 8.5 (8.5) by 4 users.
Active (4): 3, 8, 9, 9
Inactive (0):

(define the words in this poem)
(17 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

Nice.  I especially like  

Uninvited sand,
ready to take,
pull down
him with dry ropes,

strung to pitiful noose,
trapped in stinging apparel
sucking desert fumes.

Good imagery.   Dehydration would feel like a noose.

8/10
 — bellavida

"pull down him" is not correct. "Dry ropes" is a good image though.
 — Notecompsure

thanks. bellavida, your chosen favorite part of this poem is nicely appraised. notecompsure, glad you liked the imagery. i changed the syntax to match correct. i'm not sure what i was thinking there, i think i was trying to make it jagged, hard to breathe, but it didn't work. thanks, though.
 — listen

Dear Listen

I love the imagery here and i don't know whether the elongated final line was intentional but you have created the effect of a mirage rolling in from the distance very effectively. I think that mirages are the almost perfect representation of the illusionary nature of the perceptions we heat up in the cauldron of our imaginations.

Larry sun spot Lark
 — larrylark

thank you. that last line was supposed to represent a little stringy sliver of water. and as always your comment is appreciated.

i might sound a little mean up there though, with blunt usage of the word appreciation. i never really liked that word because it almost sounds as though i am talking over you and appreciation is just a must, even if it isn't.

but anyway, things just seem better when you comment.
 — listen

you might do good to the idea of 6-8 by keeping 'everything within' in its own line.
very nice poem.

line 11- pulls?

lines 14/15 are brilliant. and so is 'strand of water'.

i think you could do without 'toward him' in line 16.
 — varun

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