poetry critical : poem

Mirage

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Hands cracked,	1
stuck with sores.	2

Sun looming	3
in impact of rays	4
wrenching heat,	5

as though to	6
extract everything within	7

to distill.	8

Uninvited sand,	9
ready to take,	10
pull him down	11
with dry ropes,	12

strung to pitiful noose,	13
trapped in stinging apparel	14
sucking desert fumes.	15

A single strand of water, clear and iridescent, rolls gently toward him and	16

vanishes.	17

11 Feb 07

Rated 8.5 (8.5) by 4 users.

Active (4): 3, 8, 9, 9
Inactive (0):

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(17 more poems by this author)

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Comments:

Nice. I especially like

Uninvited sand,
ready to take,
pull down
him with dry ropes,

strung to pitiful noose,
trapped in stinging apparel
sucking desert fumes.

Good imagery. Dehydration would feel like a noose.

8/10
— bellavida

"pull down him" is not correct. "Dry ropes" is a good image though.
— Notecompsure

thanks. bellavida, your chosen favorite part of this poem is nicely appraised. notecompsure, glad you liked the imagery. i changed the syntax to match correct. i'm not sure what i was thinking there, i think i was trying to make it jagged, hard to breathe, but it didn't work. thanks, though.
— listen

Dear Listen

I love the imagery here and i don't know whether the elongated final line was intentional but you have created the effect of a mirage rolling in from the distance very effectively. I think that mirages are the almost perfect representation of the illusionary nature of the perceptions we heat up in the cauldron of our imaginations.

Larry sun spot Lark
— larrylark

thank you. that last line was supposed to represent a little stringy sliver of water. and as always your comment is appreciated.

i might sound a little mean up there though, with blunt usage of the word appreciation. i never really liked that word because it almost sounds as though i am talking over you and appreciation is just a must, even if it isn't.

but anyway, things just seem better when you comment.
— listen

you might do good to the idea of 6-8 by keeping 'everything within' in its own line.
very nice poem.

line 11- pulls?

lines 14/15 are brilliant. and so is 'strand of water'.

i think you could do without 'toward him' in line 16.
— varun

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