poetry critical : poem

Synesthesia

dreamergirl

My mood is a rainbow;	1
each separate colour	2
from red to indigo is in perfect order,	3
a C major scale	4
running through my mind.	5

My mood is gray	6
with shots of colour buried throughout.	7
Green, red, blue	8
like graffiti on a dirty wall	9
or an orange bridge over a muddy river.	10

My mood is the lightest	11
pink and blue	12
amid wisps of pure white.	13
The colour of my name	14
or a cotton candy sunrise.	15

My mood is black as midnight,	16
edged with dark purple,	17
like the city at night	18
or moonlight shining on	19
rain-wet asphalt.	20

I see the world in vivid colours;	21
some are ugly,	22
most are beautiful,	23
but they are all a part	24
of who I am.	25

11 Feb 07

Rated 6 (6) by 1 users.

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ashley87

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Comments:

Okay -- you need to decide on a metaphor and DEVELOP it.

Your mood's a rainbow, a C major scale, it's graw, light pink and blue, midnight....

Pick one, damnit. There are all contradictory.

This is amateur, quite frankly, in its execution. The line breaks are painful, your title is typical of a child using big words to sound important.

I could dive into this further, but
this is really too awful--
— unknown

Try searching 'synesthesia' on Google, the poem might make more sense. I'm still working on the line breaks.
— dreamergirl

I'm aware of what it means. I'm aware of how it applies. And I am still unaware that it sounds childish and pedantic.

It's like Frost naming his "The Road Not Taken" as "Locomotion."

Just because it works, doesn't make it good, doesn't make it the best choice.
— unknown

I like this. I think it's gentle and colourful. I agree the line breaks are a little awkward. For the first stanza I'd suggest:

My mood is a rainbow;
each separate colour
from red to indigo
is in perfect order,
a C major scale
running through my mind.

as 'indigo' rhyms with 'rainbow'.
— JustineCH

Now if this rhymed, you'd be on to something. 6/10
— Henry

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