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of us.
midare

we are stranded,
 1
sweating: heat mirages
 2
in a desert distance
 3
between what once was
 4
and what could be.
 5
 
 
and you and i have come here,
 6
not looking for answers
 7
but feeling for ourselves
 8
in others; listening
 9
to the noises
 10
of our breath-
 11
 
 
less sibilance like sentences
 12
hanging in the air.
 13
 
 
i do not care
 14
that sometimes
 15
we are separate,
 16
disorganized, dissonant;
 17
i am not reticent
 18
by meaning alone.
 19
and neither are you
 20
simply
 21
impassionedly
 22
ardent.
 23
 
 
time passes:
 24
 
 
we rearrange
 25
 
 
and grasp for meanings
 26
now shuffled carelessly
 27
beyond us.
 28

9 Feb 07

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Comments:

great poem midare.
i have missed reading your work.

welcome back.

i'll be back with critique.

peace.
v.
 — unknown

hi varun.
 — midare

hi midare. sorry, for having to be reminded.
this is a beautiful poem. yes, i have it in favourites, as along with many of yours.
i have taken the liberty to do an edit. and i'm sure you will notice the changes.
hope you are well.
here it is...




we are stranded,
sweating: heat mirages
in a desert distance
between what once was
and what could be.

you and i have come here.
not looking for answers
but feeling for ourselves
in others; listening
to the noises
of our breath-

less sibilanct sentences
hanging in the air.

i do not care
if sometimes
we are separate,
disorganized, dissonant;
i am not reticent
by meaning alone.
and neither are you
simply
impassionedly
ardent.

time passes:

we rearrange

and grasp for meanings
now shuffled carelessly
beyond us.
 — varun

i don't think i could explain the essence that lines 22-25 stand for, any better.
 — varun

you could try 'hang' instead of 'hanging'.

and sibilant instead of sibilanct. :)
 — varun

i think 'noises' in line 9 can be exchanged for some other word.

like

sighs
bating
passing


or something
:)
 — varun

for you:
http://poetry.tetto.o rg/read/38848/
 — varun

thanks a lot for your insightful crits, v.
i took (almost) all of your suggestions.
especially your suggestions about linebreaks.

i'm really bad at those.

smile.
midare
 — midare

i've had some good teachers :)

thanks for taking my suggestions.
 — varun

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