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Driving, Miss Daisy crazy
unknown

She flashed her smile
 1
at me alone.
 2
At me alone she
 3
drove her eyes.
 4
So hypnotized
 5
I could not swerve.
 6
She crashed right through
 7
my shy reserve.
 8
 
 
Her lips impressed
 9
at 92, but suction failed
 10
as airbags blew. Her teeth
 11
and hairpiece waved adieu.
 12
She looked a bit like
 13
Mr Magoo.
 14

8 Feb 07

Rated 8.3 (8.3) by 3 users.
Active (3): 7, 9, 9
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(define the words in this poem)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)
skinnyJon



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Comments:

Hey, hey, hey...
 — unknown

charming.
i would still rethink the word flashed and drove in line 1 and 4 respectively.
doesnt seem to go along quite well with 'swerve' and 'reserve' maybe cause flashed and drove kill the elegance of the language and gives it a colloquial feel which seems dull.

stanza 2 surprised me... i couldnt possibly expect the person to be a 92 yr old.
worked out pretty well.

thanks.
 — trochee

Thanks for commenting trochee. Glad some of it was ok for you. I would be hard pressed to get rid off 'flashed' and 'drove' as these two lines inspired the lingo for the rest of the poem. Still, I'm delighted that you actually gave me your thoughts on this. Interesting stuff. cheers, unkno :)
 — unknown

Amusing & witty.  'drove' needs to stay.  Maybe trochee is unfamiliar with the movie?  
 — skinnyJon

Cheers, sJ, was beginning to doubt my sense of humour. :)
 — unknown

yes i am unfamiliar.
 — trochee

Funny!  Lose the line-start caps?  Or at least, follow their pattern through.
L14 will be better if you make it a Miss, Mrs. or Ms.  Obviously "Ms." is the best choice.

Beware the modifier: such as "shy"; in this case, it is not only redundant, but cliche, "shy reserve.  Look at line break opportunities?  Cut every gram of fat from a humor piece.  Perhaps more like:


She flashed her
smile at me alone.
Alone with me
she drove eyes.
I could not swerve
as she crashed
through my reserve.

Her lips impressed         &n bsp;         (brilliant line!)
at ninety-two         & nbsp;                 (spell out numbers in poetry)
but suction failed           ;           (becomes a "Burma Shave" type of jingle now)
as airbags blew
and teeth and hair-
piece waved adieu.

She looked a bit
like Ms. Magoo.

----
however you slice it, it's a delicious comic poem.  Kudos.


            ;          &nbs p;
 — reidORnetsky

dunno why-for  the strange artifacts
 — reidORnetsky

Glad you enjoyed, N. Your different take is interesting but I like what I've done (especially the rhythm) and as for ''Magoo" it's very, very definitely a Mr!! As the 92 represents both speed and age I'm unsure which way to display but i take your point. Ta for your thoughts.
 — unknown

However you like it is fine, it must be your vision, your style. yes!
Thanks for justifying the caps.  I'd've capped ya otherwise ;^)
 — reidORnetsky

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