poetry critical : poem

Once he only saw colors

Archibald

He was young then, he recalled	1
back when daffodils were stunning yellow	2
and violets were a darker shade of purple	3
and colors were all he saw.	4

He dreamt of painting the sky	5
replacing swirling whites and blues	6
and drawing his own hues	7
with sagging arms and tall ambition.	8

But day is black, so soon	9
with speckles of silver he can hardly see	10
and leaves once falling gently to die	11
remind him of burned poetry.	12

8 Feb 07

Rated 7 (7) by 3 users.

Active (3): 3, 8, 10
Inactive (0):

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mammoth

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Comments:

he recalled in line 1 perhaps?

i'm sure daffodils have always been yellow, a modifier like bright would make the comparison work better.

and all in line 4 rather than what may sound more fluent

replacing the, in line 6. would conjugate better

line 8 is very nice

i like your poem very much, but for a tweak here and there
— bettalpha

Thanks for the critique!

--arch
— unknown

Line 8 is very nice, melancholic in a pitiful way

Burned poetry - i gotta use that phrase myself
— unknown

are in line 4 should be were if the tenses are to match there too.

my pleasure. it's coming together

betty
— unknown

Wonderful. I hate getting old.
— mammoth

Thanks for the comments!
— Archibald

Is this a comment on the lack of vividness in our everyday lives? You have the comparison to a child seeing only colors . . . I guess to me, everything is technically color, because everything we see is the refraction of light, so I don't necessarily agree with your overall idea, even if it is beyond the physical sense. Line 7 is the improper tense of the verb and line 8 is just questionable in general. Also, the use of the commas in the first lines of stanzas 1 and 3 are very distracting and pretty much obstructing your clarity. If you're not going to punctuate, be consistant, however, I guess I don't really see why you couldn't have punctuated this poem.
— Notecompsure

nice. i liked how this piece was abstract and interesting. i loved the ending image of the burned poetry. rock on.
— lanezfairy

Thanks for the comments.
— Archibald

Great job. I love how you showed the vividness (or lack of it) of one's life. Great.
— unknown

Edited the title.
— Archibald

bumpies
— unknown

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