poetry critical

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Once he only saw colors

He was young then, he recalled
back when daffodils were stunning yellow
and violets were a darker shade of purple
and colors were all he saw.
He dreamt of painting the sky
replacing swirling whites and blues
and drawing his own hues
with sagging arms and tall ambition.
But day is black, so soon
with speckles of silver he can hardly see
and leaves once falling gently to die
remind him of burned poetry.

8 Feb 07

Rated 7 (7) by 3 users.
Active (3): 3, 8, 10
Inactive (0):

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he recalled in line 1 perhaps?

i'm sure daffodils have always been yellow, a modifier like bright would make the comparison work better.

and all in line 4 rather than what may sound more fluent

replacing the, in line 6. would conjugate better

line 8 is very nice

i like your poem very much, but for a tweak here and there
 — bettalpha

Thanks for the critique!

 — unknown

Line 8  is very nice, melancholic in a pitiful way

Burned poetry - i gotta use that phrase myself
 — unknown

are in line 4 should be were if the tenses are to match there too.

my pleasure. it's coming together

 — unknown

Wonderful. I hate getting old.
 — mammoth

Thanks for the comments!
 — Archibald

Is this a comment on the lack of vividness in our everyday lives? You have the comparison to a child seeing only colors . . . I guess to me, everything is technically color, because everything we see is the refraction of light, so I don't necessarily agree with your overall idea, even if it is beyond the physical sense. Line 7 is the improper tense of the verb and line 8 is just questionable in general. Also, the use of the commas in the first lines of stanzas 1 and 3 are very distracting and pretty much obstructing your clarity. If you're not going to punctuate, be consistant, however, I guess I don't really see why you couldn't have punctuated this poem.
 — Notecompsure

nice. i liked how this piece was abstract and interesting. i loved the ending image of the burned poetry. rock on.
 — lanezfairy

Thanks for the comments.
 — Archibald

Great job. I love how you showed the vividness (or lack of it) of one's life. Great.
 — unknown

Edited the title.
 — Archibald

 — unknown

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