poetry critical

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Glass Box
photobooth

I’m in a glass box,
 1
Can’t get out
 2
 
 
Have you ever caressed your skin with fire?
 3
Do you think it burns?
 4
It’s not as painful as you would think
 5
It leaves you burning inside
 6
 
 
The heat spreads like a virus on your skin
 7
 
 
A man with no arm struggles in a toilet cubicle
 8
He can’t get out
 9
He can only let go of his shit
 10
If, he wants to.
 11
 
 
Do I want to?
 12
 
 
Water falls on my lighter
 13
Can’t use it no more
 14
 
 
Water falls on the phone
 15
Can’t use it no more
 16
 
 
More imprisoned than ever.
 17
Bleeding, I’m burning
 18
 
 
Don’t be mad at me, please.
 19

This is my first try actually, wrote it in a few minutes, edited it a few hours later.

7 Feb 07

Rated 6.3 (6.3) by 3 users.
Active (3): 6, 6
Inactive (0): 7

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Comments:

some interesting points.
I'm left confused, though.

I think there's too much detail left unsaid.  The reader doesn't really know what's going on.  It seems like a lot of seperate thoughts thrown together.  Maybe you could link them more.
 — likeavirus

that's exaclty what it is, seperate thoughts thrown together, i don't know how else to do it if not write as if i am talking to someone.
 — photobooth

I like line 3 and 18. Line 11 is awkwardly phrased. Good job overall.
 — ransomlove

have you ever been surprised?

"don't be mad at me" cosa significa?  mi piace la 2° strofa, davvero bella, belle le immagini, ma geniale "It leaves you burning inside"... brava susanna, i've been surprised
 — lazyduck187

lazyduck187: don't be mad at me significa non essere in collera con me, o più semplicemente arrabbiato.ci tenevo al tuo parere, grazie

ransomlove: thank you,
line 11:
if... he wants to.
there's a pause, that's all.
 — photobooth

I'm trying to find something that ties this poem together and am failing to do so.  This sounds more like one side of a conversation rather than a poem, to me.

I found myself thinking more about some poor sod with no arms trying to pee!  I'm sure that is not your main point but that's what I got stuck on.  I'm thinking he could easily get out, he could not have locked the door in the first place but unzipping would be a problem.

Don't be mad at ME, please!  I like poems to have some cohesion and I believe you could put some in here but first, decide what exactly you want to convey.  Poetry is not simply a line of thoughts on a page.

Good luck.
 — Isabelle5

like what you say about the heat spreading. i burned my hand the other day and it did exactly that - spread.
 — stout

who can say what a poem is?
a poem might have to have a cohesion, maybe not, maybe not always.
we all have a different reason to write, and different reasons to write what we write.
about the guy in the cubicle, he's missing one arm, but it's not that important.
i appreciate everyone's opinion, thank you very, very much.
 — photobooth

ryc: I didn't imply that this wasn't a poem.  

I just said that I was left confused.  It's your art.
Art is self-expression.
But, this is poetry critical.  You must expect critics.

Keep writing.
 — likeavirus

i love lines 8-11.  line 11 is a bit awkward though. perhaps removing the comma would help? i read that you intended it to be a pause but the readers don't know that unless they read your comment. just a suggestion.

the poem as a whole is quite interesting.
 — luvscost

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